CHRISTMAS..I REMEMBER ...

As dawn slowly opened the new day, like a shade being gently raised, I sat in my chair in an overly quiet room, both hands cupping my warm mug of coffee, while watching the barely visible falling snowflakes come down. It reminded me of memories. Last night there was an exchange of thoughts on Facebook that gave me an unsettled feeling about the Christmas season we celebrate now as compared to the 'then' in my life. Sensibly I know things have changed, but emotionally I want to hold on to old traditions. Therein lies the anxiety. The today theory of 'keeping it simple' makes sense in this activity driven society, but the age old practice of keeping tradition in Christmas tugs at my heart. Oh, we don't have to sparkle and shine, place do-dads throughout every visible surface, but neither should we plunk a pre-lit tree down and call it good! Instead of making it a chore, let's make it a time of reflection. If you are a young married couple, begin to make those traditions, begin to determine to transition into making memories through the years. If you are a middle aged couple living a stressful life full of responsibility toward family and employment, stop the madness for a moment and just enjoy the beauty of the season. Help your children to remember the reason for all the preparation. We buy the gifts for one another to commemorate the one true gift God gave us through His Son Jesus. We decorate the tree in remembrance of this, a special place to sit and contemplate the many blessings from above. Through the years my daughters and I have exchanged tree ornaments. A simple thing, but as I place each one on the tree an extraordinary thing happens....my heart remembers. I smile, I cry, ....I remember. It's not just a tree, it's a memory and I cherish each memory held close to my heart. Last night, unable to sleep, I crept out to the living room, plugged in the tree lights, wrapped up in a blanket and began a journey back in time to memories that bring warmth and happiness to my soul. Our early married life was a time of want, as most young marrieds will atest too. My mom gave me some of her old Christmas ornaments and a few odds and ends to set about our very small basement apartment. I kept those things for many many years even when we could afford to start making our own way. She wanted us to start making our own traditions and memories, just as I hoped mine would also. We did. The one tradition that went on for years was the annual trek to chop down our own Christmas tree. I would pack a lunch, pour hot cocoa into the huge thermos, make sure the cookie bag was full for snacks, dress the kids like eskimos and head up to the mountains outside of Spokane. Many times what we deemed to be the 'perfect' tree turned out to be a replica of a Charlie Brown tree when set up at home, but who cared! It was in the making of a memory that counted..the special togetherness, that marvelous taste of warm cocoa going down into a very cold body after tromping through the snow for what seemed like hours! The drive home always ended the same....a huddled mass of my children's bodies, crumpled together in exhausted sleep while Dennis and I silently sat with that peaceful feeling that all was right with the world at that exact moment. Those were good days, memory making days...traditions in the making. But those days end, yes, teen years arrive and the aloofness that comes with it! Nonetheless, Christmas becomes very much the responsibility of the mother. She sets the tone, she decorates, she bakes, she shops, she keeps joy in her heart rather than resentment for non participation of said teens! I,as many mothers went through that stage. But guess what! One day they begin to remember the memories, the warmth of the decorated house, the smell of baking, the specialness of Christmas...and then they wish to start their own memory making. I saw that in my own children and felt the pleasure of their joy. I still believe in Christmas, I still want them to embrace it, to take the time to slow down, remember, smile, cry and have the desire to pass it all down. I am alone now. It is I who bring the boxes down, who places the tree and finishes it. It is I who still pre-heats the oven to receive the homemade cookies and breads. It is I who still loves the traditions of Christmas, the memories, the reason, the whole Christmas package! But it really isn't just "I"...for "I" comes with a full heart, a grateful heart for having made those memories that still remain deeply within me. No, I am not alone. I have it all packed away deep within, and that fills my life to the very top!

LIVING A GROUNDHOG DAY?...

My feet hit the floor this morning at precisely 7:04. Felt good to sleep in! After the common morning doings, I turned on the bathroom sink faucet for the cat's routine drink fix. (Darn cat won't drink from a bowl!) Grabbing my warm, fleecy robe, wrapping it tightly around me, stepping into my well worn slippers, I walked into the living room, flipped on the fireplace, clicked on the lamp and padded to the kitchen to perk up some essential go get 'em coffee. Automatically my hand reached for the accustomed banana. I stood leaning against the cupboard quietly nibbling on said banana. It started as a little chuckled snort, expanded to a tiny laugh and exploded into uproarious laughter! Good grief! I'm a living groundhog day! Is this what living alone has come to? Simplistic routine with the occasional break when I have to be somewhere in the morning? Someone once told me that as we age, routine becomes part of our identification. Break that routine and life becomes disorganized and fills us with annoyance! I saw that in my grandparents, my parents and even some single or widowed friends, but oh Lord, please don't let that happen to me! But often what we don't realize is that sometimes what we don't want, we get. Just so happens that 'routine' snuck up on me like extra pounds so my jeans don't fit! I suppose routine gives a measure of control to our lives, but really, can I just NOT make my bed as soon as I arise? Can I brew a cup of tea instead of coffee? Can I cook up some brown sugar oatmeal instead of my usual banana and toast? Can I leave my hair a disheveled mess instead of grabbing the brush? Why shouldn't I sit around in my PJ's for awhile instead of jumping in the shower and slapping on some useless makeup? Oh Lord, help me to find the spontaneity in life that fills my life with unexpected joy! I don't want to be predictable and boring. I don't want to settle into a common routine. Yes, there is comfort in routine, but not to the point that my whole life would be upset if I didn't stick to it! Lord, thank you for this vision of my life that can only help me not become the old, crabby lady who falls apart if things aren't exactly in order! Help me to live life a little more loosely, laugh more, reach out more, love more, take more chances and to never give up hope. Does that carpet really need vacuuming today?

I AM A GRANDMA....

I AM A GRANDMA… Turning 70 jolted me! I mean, how did that happen? One day you’re a young woman having babies of your own and the next your grandchildren are nearly old enough to have babies! Heaven forbid that should be right now, but yes, that is a reality! I was married and pregnant at age 18 and in retrospect cannot fathom how we navigated those years without complete failure. Naïve, or should I just say, ignorant, regarding the nature of being a wife and mother, yet stubborn and willful enough to act as if I was in complete control, I fooled everyone…even myself! My unmarried sister used to give me her outdated magazines and from them I would feverishly glean information from their pages when there were articles regarding marriage and child rearing! Can you imagine? There must have been some good stuff in them because I raised three beautiful, well rounded successful children and managed to stay married for 47 years before he died! I must give some credit to my own mother, as many times I would remember how she handled raising 5 kids of her own on little or nothing, and try to emulate those things. Reaching back into memory, I would think of my own grandmothers insistence upon good manners, respect and a woman’s ‘duty’ to keep a clean house and a decent appearance. These were things she taught my mom and then she passed to me. I often wonder if my children remembered my actions and then in turn put them into practice. My son once said, ‘I want to raise my kids just like you and dad did’ so perhaps we did something right! As a grandparent now, I look at my grands with pride and deep joy! I worry, I celebrate, I enjoy, I participate, I pray. Life is different for them, even from when their parents were growing up and definitely from the ’olden days’ when I was growing up. Sometimes I feel so insignificant when it comes to sharing their lives but the Lord frequently reminds me that my most important role as a grandmother, is to actively pray for them. My ‘words of wisdom’ as my grand Hannah calls them, are important too, whether taken to heart or just packed away to be unfolded later, but to pray is my most powerful weapon against all the odds presented to them in this age of peculiar happenings. Yes, 70 did jolt me, but by the same token it gave me time to reflect on the importance of having the privilege to be called ‘grandma.’ I may not get enough time with them nor be as important as I’d like to be in their lives, but being on the sidelines cheering them on, smiling with pride and praying daily for them gives me the most important job on earth. Thank you Lord for that privilege! “Grandchildren are the crown of the aged.” Proverbs 17:6 “They (me) shall still bring forth fruit in old age!: Psalms 92:14

The "Day is Here"...

The day has come. I've been telling myself this is the day I officially become old, the day when the last season of life begins and I better pull up my big girl panties and deal with it! 70!! What????!! How can this be! My 'insides' feel 18, my mirror suggests otherwise...whom do I believe? The mirror. I awoke last nights sleep around 11:45pm, looked at the bright red digital numbers, counting the last minutes of being 69..wanting to stop the clock, reach back and pick a time when everything was so perfect, so day to day, never thinking this time of life would come so quickly. But here it is, wrinkles, gray, sags, bags, and such a profound reluctance to leave my youth. I've always told myself I would age gracefully, never trying to fool the world with vain procedures, but simply be thankful for the years I had been given, the memories that were formed, and the love that endured before he left me way too soon, leaving an empty space in my heart and life that will forever be there. Even if there is a 'someone' out there to walk these last paths by my side, that space will always be reserved for him. I still feel the same, to age gracefully that is, but the reality of time raised it's head and smiled as if to say..."it's time", time to simply begin to enjoy life, to raise grateful hands to God for all He has given me an all He still has in store for me. It's a bittersweet time, a time of sadness at what is done, yet joy for what is still out there. These could be years of negativity, always striving for that 'something' that never quite occurs, or it could be years of pure joy and happiness, casting my cares on the One who loves me and wants the best for me always. I choose to trust in that...to reign in those thoughts that try to take me captive and to constantly look up. Why waste these precious years. I have so very much to be thankful for, a marriage of 47 years, 3 beautiful children, 9 amazing grands, God's provision for my life in every season through sickness, adversity, separation, loneliness, but always experiencing His ever present love and guidance. Yes, it's my 70th birthday, yes, I'm a little sad, but no, I won't drown in self-pity, for I have far too much to look forward to! What does God have in store for me? I don't know, but I look forward to each new, beautiful day that He chooses to give me and to give thanks to the Lord...for He IS good! I wish I could reach out and hug each person who has ever crossed my path, adding that special something that only they could add, therefore making me the person I am today. A special touch from each one. Consider yourselves hugged and loved from the deepest part of my heart and soul...you have made my life complete, and I look forward to each blessed year ahead. We may never cross paths again in this journey, yet I take a part of each one of you with me....life is good!

ATTITUDE....

As it was pointed out to me by a nameless friend from Virginia, it has been awhile since I've blogged, but at least I have been consistant at being inconsistant! My intentions are pure, my actions slow, but I have no excuses. Yesterday, as a Mentor Mom at our Local MOPS group, I witnessed and was touched by an outstanding lady who spoke to the group with such conviction on how we as women should view ourselves. Not by Ourselves, Others or Occurrences but by how God see's us! We are His, He loves us, He died for us, so there is no greater love than this even though outside factors tend to beat away at our subconscious in ways that lend themselves to our poor self-esteem. When the evil one tries to pull us into that pit of lies girls, we need to look UP! No matter what we've done, said, neglected, felt or been done too, if we know Jesus as our Lord and Savior we are royalty and wear the crown of the King! Now that good news busts my buttons...how about you?!! Why do I feel the need to acknowledge this good news? Well, I've been guilty for a long time of self-pity, neglectfullness, and the worst, feeling unfullfilled expectations. This has resulted in misunderstandings, hurt feelings and alienation from family and some good friends. Damage that hopefully can be repaired with my determination to rectify and change these unfortunate things. I thank God I have a family member who loves to 'fix' things and came to me with a list of my negative actions that I was only remotely aware of. Expecting others to reach out to me, provide me with happiness, turn my loneliness into joy, seems to be the areas of concern. Yes, it is time I turn myself outward and deep six the expectations that are completely self-serving and begin to find the happiness in giving. Revelation lightens the soul! Because I have also been told some of my blogs are 'depressing' I must try to keep them on the lighter side, I, however, created this blog to express my feelings during some very difficult times so perhaps if they come across a little too deep, it is time to stop reading them. Just saying.....but thanks for putting up with my ups and downs and expressions, sometimes very personal in nature. I won't say it will never happen again, as this is my venue of expression...but I surely will try to be more upbeat ok? I really need to close with this quote I read today that I'm CERTAIN was written just for me! (LOL...more self serving!). "Be grateful simply for being alive. When you are grateful for life pure and simple, your life becomes one you can be grateful for. That may strike you as circular or even backward logic, but your attitude really does have an effect on how things work out. When you can't change your life any other way, you CAN still change your attitude! When you do, your life changes. You find more chances to love, and you will be surprised to see how much more love is returned to you. The next time some says, 'it's a lovely day' try saying "YES IT IS!". Today is always the best day of your life!" Blessings to those who love me warts and all and I ask forgiveness to those I've taken advantage of by expectations that should not have been required. Much gratitude to the one who loved me enough to share with me the shortcomings that dragged me down. You are loved! Sometimes silence is required, sometimes it is in the spoken word that brings healing and forgiveness.

Toby's Eyes...

We laugh at what excites emotion in us most, be it good or bad. We remember the experiences or events that have marked our minds the most: pets, childhood, poverty, parents, teachers, etc. In fact, funny is what saddens us the most. Reversed sadness. -Copied- That simple little sentence struck a remembrance cord with me this morning that made a soft laugh tumble out of my heart. Today my sister Patsy posted a comment by Billy Graham that made me smile and sent a rush of happiness throughout. "God will prepare everything for our perfect happiness in heaven, and if it takes my dog being there - I believe he'll be there." Yes..dogs can 'excite that emotion' in us that can turn our sadness into a hearty laugh. Toby did that for me and still does. Sixty plus years later I can still tear up at the thought of the time spent with that mongrel dog. Toby was nothing to look at...mostly a small brownish mixed breed with mangled coat and eyes that could melt the buttons off a snowman! It's the eyes I remember most. My mom told and retold the story of Toby saving me from an early death at age 3. Being as headstrong then as I am now, I took it into my head to walk to the little grocery store down the lane from our home. A major highway separated me from that desire. I remember Toby kept bumping into my legs as we approached the roadway, continuously looking up at me with I now imagine, pleading in his eyes. He would not let me cross. I gave up. Mom came frantically running down the dirt road, screaming, with terror in her eyes. Mom was not a hugger....she hugged me! Mom wasn't much of a dog lover...she changed her mind that day. Toby became a hero in our home that day. But, I suspect he was more of a hero to me than to the others. School days took my older brother and sister away, which left Toby and I to spend long days roaming the open fields, coercing my quiet friend Lanny to come out and play and generally doing a whole lot of nothing. Toby never left my side. Whether we made up games, built forts, played tag or simply lay on trampled down weeds to watch the clouds go by, Toby was there, ever the protector, always with watchful eyes. Sometimes I would just sit and stare into his eyes, whispering words that I truly believed he could understand. After all, he would blink those eyes, but never turn them away as if in deep understanding of my whispered words. He was my companion, my constant, my playmate...my heart. I don't like to think of the day Toby died. Even now I am tearing up at the remembrance of it. How could one, homely, mongrel, matted dog bring so much happiness to my life and leave such a whole in my heart. I smile because he did, I cry because, well,...just because.

He Cares for me.....

I felt the desire to write this bright, brisk beautiful winter morning. It has been months since that feeling has prompted me to sit a spell and give way to some thoughts. September, the last blog, seems a long past memory, yet upon reading through my musings then, it dawns on me that things really don't change that much with the seasons. By that I mean, I've found something fascinating and wonderful about each one. Winter is upon us in full force, perhaps one of the harshest I can remember with it's bone chilling degree's. Just as with life itself, we prepare for each season differently and this particular winter was no exception. Bundling up to fight against the cold and brutality, we don our parka's, pull on our weatherproof boots and mittens, fasten the straps to our ridiculous looking caps and head out to face the elements. If prepared, we can face anything. I choose to be prepared. While my winter season is not yet upon me, I, along with my Lord and Savior will face it with determined enthusiasm! Oh boy! I didn't mean to get all philosophical! In fact, I'm enjoying this 'fall' season just fine and plan to do so for many years to come! Gotta say though, it's challenging, and can be somewhat tiring. Battling the bulge, disguising the gray hairs, tackling the bad knee with replacement, covering the age spots, confusing the person in the mirror with my mom, and the list goes on! For the serious minded, this can be devastating...for the not so serious minded, it has a comical side too it,...one must keep from fixating on these apparent appearances of the aging process or go totally beserk! Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry! No matter what lies ahead (and my hope is in heaven!) I know one thing for certain: Isaiah 46:4 "I will be your God through all your lifetime, yes, even when your hair is white with age. I made you and I will care for you. I will carry you along and be your Savior." I'm not old, I'm just a little worn around the edges! I still believe in love, I believe I can do all things through Christ, I believe I still have the capability to bless others, I believe there is blue sky above, even when my days are cloudy, I believe I still have purpose, I believe I am the apple of His eye and what could be more marvelous than that! "White hair is a crown of glory and is seen most among the godly"...Proverbs 16:31.....perhaps I shall forego the coloring this month!