DECEMBER.......

I'm wavering between fatigue, nostalgia, joyfulness, anxiety...I guess you could cover about any emotion and I'm feeling it this frigid December day. For some reason, December does that too me..and always has. A throwback to childhood? Early married days? Raising children years? Empty nester symdrome? Widowhood? Each season held good times and not so good times....memories that make me smile,...memories that bring heaviness. But isn't that just the way life is?

In two days, the 15th of December, it would have been our 49th wedding anniversary. Really now! I'm just not that old! One look in the mirror tells a different story however! Isn't it funny how we can look at those 50th anniversary pictures in the paper and see 'old' people celebrating this wondrous occasion and wonder if we'll ever make it to that Golden date. Well, guess what Dennis! We would have been those 'old' people next year! Hard to take in isn't it!! I'm sure he's smiling down thinking what a silly I am! My point I guess, is that I'm not sad about this upcoming date, but I rather feel a sense of satisfaction that we had all those years...years that saw there ups and downs, but nonetheless, years that proclaimed love, overcoming, steadfastness and all the other cliches that come with a long marriage. December was a month of celebration.

December childhood memories are yet another story. Looking back I can remember the great fun we would have, freezing our rear ends off while sledding with insufficient clothing and those old rubber boots that required bread sacks over shoes in order to slip them on! By the time we'd go in to warm by the fire, icycles were hanging off our caps and gloves and the feet were so cold we could barely walk, but oh the fun! The Christmas season still held expectation even though our family was stationed somewhere between poverty and just getting by. Just the thought of a wrapped gift under the slightly decorated tree gave me a shiver of gladness, with hopes that perhaps this year Santa would really remember what I asked for! Mom always made it as festive as she could and our annual trek to Grandma's for Christmas Day and all those wonderful goodies she would make, was always a wonderful experience! Aunts, Uncles, Cousins....food, fun, laughter....who even remembered we were poor! Priceless memories! December was a month of expectation.

Ah, and then came the years of child raising! The most precious of all! The early years were lean, but good years. Early in December we would load up the kids and off to the mountains we would go to cut our own tree....I'd pack a lunch, fill the thermos with hot cocoa and we'd have such an adventure finding just the right one! After trudging through the deep snow for what seemed like hours till the 'find', it was always a very quiet ride back home with sleeping kids in the back seat. As the years went by, we progressed from meager Christmas' to pretty average middle income years. We tried to fulfill at least one gift desire of each child and fill in with the obligatory mittens, socks and underwear that I'm sure agitated their little souls! More years, added girlfriends/boyfriends/spouses/ .... promotions, working mother, more lavish Christmas times, but all the while maintaining that perfect balance of love and togetherness. December was a time to cherish family.

And then they were gone! Oh the empty nest syndrome hit hard that first year alone, with nary a child left in the house! Through teary eyes, we pulled out the tree, tackled the decorations and tried to put on a joyful front even though our hearts just weren't in it. But wait! Did we forget? They would come home for Christmas...and if they couldn't, don't all hearts come home for Christmas? Yes, those were good years too..years of expectation, new marriages, new grandchildren, yes, a new way of life for us, but always a life that included them and all that they had produced to enrich our lives. December's during this time of life brought joy, mingled with sadness that they of course would leave and go back to their lives while we ventured on with ours.

And then came widowhood. Perhaps the hardest of December's. Empty anniversaries would come and go....Christmas excitement ebbed, decking the home lost it's luster, life somehow seemed filled with only silence and sadness. But time has a way of making one remember the good times...the wonderful Decembers of years gone by, the awakening of the memories that spoke to me that life was not over, that December and Christmas were still part of me, that I could still celebrate my Lord's birth, the great memories of December's in my life, my family, my friends, my hope for the future. Yes, December's in widowhood are full of hope, faith and most of all gratitude for all the December's that make up my life. So even with all the diverse emotions December evokes, I love it, I cherish every little bit of the past yet I so look forward to future Decembers. Bring them on.....I will hold each one close to my aging heart and let God handle the rest.

WASN'T IT JUST YESTERDAY?.......

Something about Autumn brings out the nostalgia in me. It's a feeling that I can't describe, sorta flows over me from top to bottom, leaving a warm feeling that would be a soft glow if feelings had color. The rich hues that encompass the landscape somehow bring back memories from what seems like yesterday, but upon further review disclose that they actually are from many years ago. I go through this emotion every year at this time,...sort of a happy/sad kind of thing. What ignited it this year was a drive by the grade school that all the grands had attended, but were now happily promoted to middle and high schools. Those days are gone...but I remind myself that 3 year old Finn will be providing unlimited opportunities to live those things over again, so with fresh eyes and a heart full of pride I will once again answer the call to yet another round of music, laughter and fun!

I came home, fixed myself a cup of tea to ward off the chill of this crisp, windy fall day, and sat sipping quietly, my mind running wildly to years long ago. I started dating Dennis in the fall. He had a motorcycle. That thing scared the wits out of me, but he convinced me that a ride through the countryside on that beautiful, warm fall day would show me that it could be more fun than terrifying! He was right. Thus began a courtship whipping through the vineyards and orchard roads around our hometown. Yes, that 'glowing' feeling began right there. It has remained ever since. As I rake the falling leaves, take a walk crunching the dry foliage under my feet, hear a motorcyle in the distance, prepare the home for a long 'winters nap', I am reminded of the many years we spent together, the memories we shared, the love for our grandchildren, the joy seeing our grown children applying the values we tried to give them and succeeding quite nicely I might add, all the while absorbing that 'fall feeling' that brings both melancholy and warm happy feelings.

At this age I have accumulated many, many memories. Family ones are the best, the richest, the most heartwarming. Yes, there will be more memories to come, more wonderful adventures to participate in, more anticipation toward my granchildren's life choices, .....more love. My life is not perfect....it never was, but God gave me exactly what I was supposed to have for as long as I was supposed to have it and for that I am grateful. If life was perfect I would not be alone, I would have more time with my family, I wouldn't live so far from my son and his family, there wouldn't be sadness or hardship for my loved ones, our health would be good, and on and on....but thats not 'real' life now is it. So I take what my precious Lord an Savior gives me, I cherish my memories, I look forward to whatever He has planned for my future and give Him praise and honor for all He as given me. Now that's life!

DID I EVER MENTION THAT...........

It's Fall. That always puts me in a pensive, thoughtful, perhaps melancholy mood. But that's not all bad, for it gives me time to slow down and remember some things I think I know for sure.....maybe not completely sure, but 'pretty sure.' It's rather a long list of thoughts sifting through my mind and I think I started the process while watching some leaves slowly drifting down from their impressive height in the maple tree. Sort of bunge jumping without a cord, knowing full well their destination isn't a positive thing! Pretty, but not positive! So go my thoughts on life, some pretty impressive, others bordering on depressive! Ah, but that is life...some good things, some bad, but always producing the chance to grow if you let them. Therefore,
DID I EVER MENTION THAT:

My family completes me.
God has all the answers.
When life gets me down, I look up.
My friends add meaning to my life.
Flowers make me smile.
I'm so thankful for each new day!
Sweets give me courage!!
Love should go on forever.
Happiness is infectious.
I know God's angels surround me.
Crisp, sunny Fall days warm my heart.
Prayers go further than wishes.
Dreams really can come true!
Disagreement does not mean we have to part ways.
Grieving never ends, its grip just lessens.
I will never get bored with life.
I can't force someone to love me.
Money isn't the most valuable asset in life, love is.
Forgiveness lifts my spirits so I try to forgive my self as well as others.
If I worry about the future, I'm missing the here and now.
Miracles do happen!
Rainbows give me hope!
Listening to a gentle rain refreshes my soul.
Being crazy once in awhile makes me sane!
Remembering my roots keeps me humble.
A good sound sleep brings clarity to a troubled mind.
My Heavenly Father's arms are the safest place to be.
I would rather trust in God for my future than know it.
I cannot love silently.
I hope I get one more chance to love deeply.
Sometimes I just need to get angry!
My tongue can cause heartache for a lifetime.
Maturity is overrated!
Early morning coffee helps perfect my day.
Watching my grandchildren grow gives a sense of fulfillment to my life.
Birthdays at this age suck!
I hold a piece of each friend I've ever had within my heart.
Seeing the outcome of my children's lives, makes 'it' all worth while!
God's love is never failing.
My favorite Bible verse is also my philosophy for life...Proverbs 3:5-6, now go look it up!

Slippin' away.....

Pensive.....I guess that's how I'm feeling this afternoon. That faraway feeling that seems to be slipping even farther away. I don't like it, but more importantly I don't like that certain things seem to be moving farther and farther away from me. Not tangible things, but emotional things, like ties to the past, or friendships, or relationships that I wish weren't over, children whose lives are so busy like mine was at one time, or grandchildren growing up and away viewing grandma diffferently than they did as little ones. Nothing I can reach out and grasp, but feelings that only the heart can understand. What started it all was a post someone made on Facebook that said, "if you could hear from anyone today, who would you want that to be?" It got me to thinking.......and when I begin to think, I can be drawn back to places deep in my gray matter that can either bring great joy or intense sadness. In this case, there is a smidgen of both. Oh, I accept that time moves on, that lives change, relationships come and go, but that doesn't stop the thoughts!
Click, click, click....I go back to friendships I thought would last forever....they don't. A few more clicks to my young married life with it's many, many challenges,..adjusting to each other, babies, engaging in new couple friendships, church life, children growing, marital woes, juggling work life with home life, moving, reestablishing, moving again, new lifestyles and activities, children maturing to adulthood, moving again, new challenges, children marrying, grandchildren arriving, whole new lifestyle as a grandparent, retirement, death of spouse. Personal time capsule complete!

But back to the original question...whom would I like to hear from today? "IF" is the operative word! Unquestionably it would be Dennis, ..so much to be said that was left unsaid...a chance to say good-bye. Perhaps that is the untangible thing that weighs on my mind...I never got to say good-bye. If I could just hear his voice, ...say "I love you" one more time, and give a proper goodbye...yes that would be a way for me to gently close the door to those unsettled feelings. That is the foremost thing in my mind regarding who I would like to speak to today, then I could let those feelings of incompleteness slip away as they rightly should. But instead, I must willfully make that choice, I must lift my voice to the sky and quietly say what's in my heart and let those feelings float away with the clouds.

The 'slipping away' feeling continues with memories of old friendships from years gone by. I don't believe they will ever be completely gone, because we always reserve a special place in our heart for memories, and for that I am grateful. Although we may never meet again, I can forever draw up a long forgotten memory and hold it close for a few moments to draw immense pleasure from it. To those friends, I give thanks for the enrichment they brought to my life....you may be slipping away, but your memory never will. Thank you.

But what of a relationship that has slipped away? There is no, 'slipping'...it is gone! For whatever reason, it just didn't work out, my heart was broken. I tried to hold on, but it wasn't too be. It was like holding on to a ledge with fingers that slowly slipped, slipped, slipped until you just had to let go and fall to whatever would uphold you. I don't regret that relationship,..it brought joy, a level of sharing that touched me deeply, but because of unresolved problems was left to slip from my life. The 'what ifs', the 'could have been's' are best left alone to just slip into that room of my heart that will forever be locked.

Passed on loved one, friendships, relationship....those are things that have either slipped away or are slipping away. I am thinking again......thinking that I have so much time allotted to me in this life, so what am I going to do with it? Live with the moment, cherish the present, realize I have opportunities to still make memories with my children and grandchildren, friends, loved ones...oh yes, I can get meloncholy about the past, about that 'slipping' feeling, but the Lord willing, I will continue to make wonderful memories with what I have now, and perhaps one day He will give me a new life's partner to share life's journey and make unbelievable memories that will help those in the future remember me with just a smile and a little feeling of 'slipping away!'

"Into one grain, there come a hundred harvests,
In a single heart is a whole world contained." - Unknown-

Sunday Afternoon....

You know the kind of day I'm talking about. Endless blue sky with a few of those wayward white clouds slowing making their way across the quiet of the high places. The warmth is just right, the breeze softly touching your cheeks. You're alone with your thoughts, but the perfection of the moment causes you to dismiss them, leaving you only to absorb the feeling. I'm gently rocking back and forth in my deck swing, listening to the droning of the bumblebees ....hoping one of them doesn't decide to go beserk and start attacking me like a few days ago! Nature gone violent for no apparent reason! Thank goodness my daughter and son-in-law were here to ward away the insane bumbler with the deck pillows! While madly swinging the pillows they managed to hit him but then the unimaginable happened! It turned on Chris! Screaming like a girl, he began his hysterical run across the yard as I grabbed the weapon of choice, the pillow, and began swiping away at the crazy stripped creature as we both joined in high pitched screeches and frenetic running! While he continued to run, I made an exit to the shed and grabbed the hornet spray. Racing back to the scene of hysteria, I began my murderous spraying! No thanks to skill, I hit the bee with a straightline shot and away he went! Exhausted we tumbled into the patio chairs, half laughing half crying, with one eye searching the premises for said bee's return! Thus ended a very brisk encounter with a so-called 'peaceful bumblebee!' I shall never trust them again!
Well, anyhow, back to my peaceful Sunday afternoon. Sorta lost the mood now, reliving that moment of terror! So, I'll grab my iced coffee, pick up my latest novel, head for the deck swing, lay my head on those sting preventing pillows and simply digest the rest of this glorious Sunday afternoon. Peace to you bumblebees!

AND THEN THERE WAS GRANDPA....


The other day I had the privilege to read autobiographies that were written by two of my grands during their 7th grade year in middle school. These were written over the course of the school year and contained an incredible amount of family and personal information along with pictures, items of interest to them, letters etc., etc.. but what caught my eye and touched my heart was their remembrance of their grandpa, my husband, who passed away three years ago. I read their memories and felt the warmth and love that must have flowed over them as they remembered him with such fondness. I must admit, I had a fleeting pang of sadness over what seemed to be an obvious vacancy of any mention of me! But this wasn’t about me, it was about memories, feelings and love for a man who gave nothing but that….love. I still have time to create memories, his time has passed. His legacy lives on in their hearts. I sat, closed my eyes and let time run through my mind as I recalled the magic of him being a grandpa.

Children gravitated to Dennis, not just our grandchildren…all kids. A quick wink and a smile would cause them to take a step behind their parent, but then very soon they would quietly make their way to his side. He would lean down and very quietly ask them a question or give them a little tickle. Zap! They were goners! Eating in a restaurant with a child hanging over the adjoining booth always resulted in peek-a-boo and wild giggles! Yes, he was ‘that’ kind of grandpa, the kind that couldn’t resist a child nor they him. It was no big surprise when our grandchildren began to arrive how very easily he stepped into the role of GRANDpa. Hannah was the first, the apple of his eye from the beginning. He packed her everywhere, rocked her to sleep, worried when she was sick and as she grew if you couldn’t find Hannah, well, you knew where she was….stuck to Grandpa’s side! It was a sight to behold, this Grandpa with his little towheaded darling.

He found joy in each new addition and they found joy in him. When our adopted granddaughter arrived from Korea, we met her at the airport. Several times Dennis would disappear and I would find him discreetly wiping his eyes from tears of happiness for Nick and Denise. He never spoke very much about the adoption, but those tears said it all. In fact, Dennis never was much of a talker, but when he did speak, people listened, including his grandchildren. Boy did they listen if they had done something they were told not to do! Respect,..that’s it, they had respect for him. It was never the big things that he did that caused the adoration, but all the small enduring acts of love that filled their lives. When they hit the front door running, it was always with a yelp…”where’s grandpa?!” Another adventure about to begin! A birdhouse to build, a toy to be fixed, a game to be played, snowmen to roll. Most anything that needed repair was brought to Grandpa. When several would be here at a time, it was a race to see who got to sit with him on his recliner and many times there were two wedged on each side. No matter though, they were happy just being close to him and he with them. Grandpa made the best birthday cakes ever! They could request a theme and there it would be….displayed on a beautiful hand decorated cake, made by the loving hands of Grandpa! Thank heaven I have all of them preserved in photo’s! A cherished remembrance of the work of Grandpa’s hands.


The grands began to grow, much to his dismay, for he thought it would mean less time with them, less acts of affection, less ‘grandpa time.’ Oh was he wrong! Once adored, always adored! Sports, activities and friends began to fill their schedules, but the bleachers or sidelines in a lawn chair were always occupied by a cheering, proud man! “That’s my grandchild” would often be the exclamation to an unaware spectator at his side! His heart was filled with pride, even if the score didn’t deserve it!

Dennis loved to fish and hunt and camp. He so anticipated being able to do the things he loved with the grands that he loved. Yes, there were several camping trips, visits to the son-in-laws cabin and many hours on the dock, untangling lines, changing hooks, teaching young minds the happiness of the outdoors, but not nearly enough. Luke was his spur of the moment fishing buddy. Oft times they came back ‘skunked’ but full of tales of the one’s that were ‘almost caught!’ Andrew, at times would tag along, but he never had the stay power Luke had. Andrew was just special as Andrew!! Give Luke a pole and a day, and from dawn to dusk his line would be in the water!

Then there were the Canadian fishing trips with SIL Nick and grands Jack and Hunter! Oh my, the excitement! For nights prior to leaving he would toss and turn, imagining the adventure that lay ahead! And what times they had! I’m so happy Jack and Hunter had their gramps all to themselves for those times…..memories, rich, warm memories of a grandpa who took such pleasure in sharing time with them!

It always bothered him that we didn’t have enough time with our son’s daughter Dakota. They lived in Washington and his time with her was so brief. There is a picture of the three of us on our last visit to her and yes, you guessed it…she’s sitting on HIS lap! Just as it should be. A grinning gramps with another beloved grandchild. It’s so sad she did not get to know him as the others did, but hopefully she can see all the love in those pictures. I sure hope big sister Selina (our step grand) knew how much he cared for her too….I believe she did.

And then along came Finn. Cami was pregnant with him when Dennis died. He never got to see that beautiful, rambunctious baby boy. He never got to hold him, spoil him, play with him, teach him…he never got to love him. He would never hear the words ‘grandpa’ come out of his little lips. I know Cami feels robbed of that time for Finn, for she knows and observed the love he gave to all his grandchildren and she so very much wanted that for Finn. I know he sees, I know he loves, as he smiles with pride at the last of his beloved grandchildren.

So now I understand why grandma was not mentioned in the autobiographies! Grandpa was a giant of a man….not in stature but in love. They were blessed to have him, he was taken much to early, but the time God gave him to love and cherish each one will be etched in their lives forever. Amazing love, how can it be, that God gave him to you and me.
We love you Grandpa!

how can i not love you - joy enriquez