Writing helps me clear my mind. I think...maybe it does....or not, we'll see.
One month from now it will be three years since Dennis died. There...I had to see that in writing..it seems so unreal, so just yesterday yet so long ago. I can't believe I've come this far, that I've actually navigated three long years by myself. The years included decisions, situations, circumstances, issues, massive amounts of loneliness, all that was dealt on my own. No, let me clarify that statement....God and I dealt with it. The biggest hurdle of my life, to live beyond the death of my spouse, was to realize that I am never truly alone. I Peter 12:12 (The Message version) said it best, "Friends, when life gets really difficult, don't jump to the conclusion that God isn't on the job.!" I'm here to testify that indeed He WAS on the job! And IS on the job! I know now that life will never be free from heartache, grief or suffering, but I do know that God is right there in the midst of it all ready to prop me up on my 'leaning side!'
Just yesterday, I let go of a dream,...I realized I was focusing on something that was not going to happen. I don't like endings, of any nature, but to truly start over I must let something end,...I think so anyhow! How's that for finality? But really, life goes on, endings are ongoing and it seems like as soon as one hurdle is over another is on the way! But that's not a negative thing...no, to me it simply means closing a phase of my life, albeit rather sadly, so I can move on to opening another phase. I feel as if I'm poised between the past and the future. Yesterday is gone but there is a promise of tomorrow. I would have preferred a different path, but the new path brims with promises and possibilities. I will not run from the past, nor dwell on perceived mistakes or guilt, but remember the best and build on the failures, which will prove to give me newness of heart to face the future.
Hey, it's not up to others to make me happy, that's not fair! No, true happiness comes from within, when I'm satisfied with myself and the life I'm living..(I read that somewhere and it's so true!) well, then I will discover lasting peace and contentment. I'm going to choose to be happy because life will never be without it's difficulties....focusing on all that's good....my family, friends, health, oh the list goes on. I just praise God for each new day and I'll try to be open to it's possibilities and new paths. I will not postpone satisfaction nor live my life with regrets....For "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Yes, it is possible to find happiness right where I am! A door was closed but a window is wide open!
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Generation Out...
Suddenly I feel like I'm skidding downhill towards old age with uncontrollable speed, and digging my heels in doesn't help a bit! Screw the old adages that we're only as old as we feel or act or whatever other crap they throw at us. If you're in your mid sixties and seventy is beckoning you with a scrawny, wrinkled finger, you begin to panic! The empty hair dye bottle at the bottom of the garbage can sneers up at me, knowing that the temporary cover-up is just that....a cover-up! Who am I kidding? The hair looks young, but the face screams 'lady, you're pathetic!' Holy flipping cow! When did I develop wrinkles like a dried up creek bed! Creases the size of the Grand Canyon, age spots effecting the reception on my television, and bags under the eyes big enough to carry last weeks groceries! Don't get me started on the scaly barnacles erupting on my back, oh ya, real attractive. I'm sure if I were to meet that special someone, the minute he laid eyes on those, he'd scream like a woman and run for his life! Did I mention my saggy butt? And speaking of saggy....the boobs made a valiant effort about three years ago to keep the 'perk up', but gave up the fight shortly thereafter! I imagine they are thinking, what's the point..perky or not, these stretch marks serve only as tiny water drains during a shower. Loosing hair in strategic places only to be replaced on the chin, requiring constant vigilance with a mirror and tweezers!
Well, you get the picture....yup, aging is definitely not for sissies! I even scare myself when the mirror projects back an image of someone I don't recognize. Who could that person be? How come my mind keeps telling me I'm still young while my body denies it? How fair is that? Seriously....I don't want to slide into old age alone, but who in their right mind would want to take on a sight such as this? I sure wouldn't blame him....after all, in his eyes, he's still the stud muffin he always was...what happened to me?
Well, you get the picture....yup, aging is definitely not for sissies! I even scare myself when the mirror projects back an image of someone I don't recognize. Who could that person be? How come my mind keeps telling me I'm still young while my body denies it? How fair is that? Seriously....I don't want to slide into old age alone, but who in their right mind would want to take on a sight such as this? I sure wouldn't blame him....after all, in his eyes, he's still the stud muffin he always was...what happened to me?
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Renewing My Present..
Two weeks into the New Year! Fourteen precious days of 2010 are gone, never to be regained. A few minutes ago I jotted a reminder note on my calendar and was startled to see how many 'jots' were made on the previous two weeks! Sometimes I get this feeling of desperation...like my purpose here is too vague, like I should be doing something monumental with my life. I'm staring at that calendar right now, reliving the past couple of weeks. I can actually see a pattern, a purpose, a meaning. Hey! I DO have a life and it's a pretty darn good one too! Granted,
not every day is filled with purposeful, meaningful, life changing events, but each one holds a significant purpose. It's my life. When did I start living it again after the death of my husband? When did life begin to feel normal. When did I settle into the daily functions and decisions without lamenting the fact that Dennis wasn't here to do that for me? Wasn't it just yesterday I could not see beyond each hour and was certain that time would move as slowly as a heavy fog on a winter morn.
When did I stop saying 'why me Lord, don't you like me any more?' A verse from Isaiah43 comes to mind..."Forget the former things;do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!" Yes, the anguish, questioning and misgivings have been replaced with belief, confidence and certainty. God is good!
Now what do I do with the present? What decisions do I 'purpose' to make?
I wasn't going to make a New Year's resolution list, but I feel I need to make a 'renewal' declaration. A quote by Brooks Atkinson says: Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go! Therefore I purpose to:
Live neither in the past nor the future
Stop putting life on hold
Not depend on others for my happiness
Let go of unproductive thoughts
Give life a chance
Love with all my heart
Forgive and let go of bitterness
Embrace hope
Be thankful in all things
Make a difference in peoples lives
Trust God for all my needs according to His riches in glory
Well, you get the picture...to renew my present requires not clinging to the past. What might happen tomorrow? I don't know, but I have a God who knows, and that's all I need to know.
not every day is filled with purposeful, meaningful, life changing events, but each one holds a significant purpose. It's my life. When did I start living it again after the death of my husband? When did life begin to feel normal. When did I settle into the daily functions and decisions without lamenting the fact that Dennis wasn't here to do that for me? Wasn't it just yesterday I could not see beyond each hour and was certain that time would move as slowly as a heavy fog on a winter morn.
When did I stop saying 'why me Lord, don't you like me any more?' A verse from Isaiah43 comes to mind..."Forget the former things;do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!" Yes, the anguish, questioning and misgivings have been replaced with belief, confidence and certainty. God is good!
Now what do I do with the present? What decisions do I 'purpose' to make?
I wasn't going to make a New Year's resolution list, but I feel I need to make a 'renewal' declaration. A quote by Brooks Atkinson says: Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go! Therefore I purpose to:
Live neither in the past nor the future
Stop putting life on hold
Not depend on others for my happiness
Let go of unproductive thoughts
Give life a chance
Love with all my heart
Forgive and let go of bitterness
Embrace hope
Be thankful in all things
Make a difference in peoples lives
Trust God for all my needs according to His riches in glory
Well, you get the picture...to renew my present requires not clinging to the past. What might happen tomorrow? I don't know, but I have a God who knows, and that's all I need to know.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Stepping Up
It's -10 degree's outside and here I sit eating a big bowl of Peppermint ice cream...why? Because I can. If I still had children at home I would definitely discourage this with the oh so sensible logic of a mother, but I don't, so I will do as I please! I actually bought this ice cream in hopes the grands would devour it over Christmas...but nope..no takers and thus it is left up to me to make sure it doesn't go to waste! I'm up to the task!
There would have been one point in my life when I would have hated to be referred to as 'you're becoming your mother', but now I could give a damn! I AM a mother, I AM a grandmother and I DO have some traits from my mom...and I'm proud of that. I know for a fact that she also reached a point in life where ice cream in the middle of the coldest spell of winter would have enticed her. Why am I on this ice cream theme...this tangent of doing what I want? It's not just the ice cream..it's so many things. The New Year has driven me to a contemplative mood, to the realization that if I can't be and do what I want, right now, at this ridiculously upper-middle part of age, then when pray tell shall I? It's rather freeing, you know, to lay down the shackles of 'shoulds' or 'shouldn't' do's.
Can I actually turn away from the clucks and 'oh mom's' that I would or will hear from my kids, if I decide to do something out of the common structure of being just a mom? Or will I cower and feel diminished by their disapproval? I think not..I think I've become a me, not just a mom or grandmother, but me! I've always wanted their admiration, perhaps even longed to be given the opportunity to be a wise counsel to them when they desired it. I still stand ready if asked, but my main objective now is to listen..just listen. They need to experience their own mistakes, handle their own problems, reach their own solutions, but with the comforting thought that their mom is just a phone call away, with a knowing heart and a experienced shoulder that welcomes a wearied head.
This age thing can get you down. After all I'm 'it' now, I'm the oldest survivor. The grandparents to my children are gone, my husband is gone...hey I'm 'it!' I'm really not ready to be relegated to old age, to just be someone to put up with, to have my kids feel obligated too or to be looked at as if most of my life is over and I'm on the downhill slide. No, by golly, I still have life to live, love to be found, fun to be had, friends to be made, adventures to experience....so don't write me off just yet! Perhaps I shall have another bowl of ice cream!!
There would have been one point in my life when I would have hated to be referred to as 'you're becoming your mother', but now I could give a damn! I AM a mother, I AM a grandmother and I DO have some traits from my mom...and I'm proud of that. I know for a fact that she also reached a point in life where ice cream in the middle of the coldest spell of winter would have enticed her. Why am I on this ice cream theme...this tangent of doing what I want? It's not just the ice cream..it's so many things. The New Year has driven me to a contemplative mood, to the realization that if I can't be and do what I want, right now, at this ridiculously upper-middle part of age, then when pray tell shall I? It's rather freeing, you know, to lay down the shackles of 'shoulds' or 'shouldn't' do's.
Can I actually turn away from the clucks and 'oh mom's' that I would or will hear from my kids, if I decide to do something out of the common structure of being just a mom? Or will I cower and feel diminished by their disapproval? I think not..I think I've become a me, not just a mom or grandmother, but me! I've always wanted their admiration, perhaps even longed to be given the opportunity to be a wise counsel to them when they desired it. I still stand ready if asked, but my main objective now is to listen..just listen. They need to experience their own mistakes, handle their own problems, reach their own solutions, but with the comforting thought that their mom is just a phone call away, with a knowing heart and a experienced shoulder that welcomes a wearied head.
This age thing can get you down. After all I'm 'it' now, I'm the oldest survivor. The grandparents to my children are gone, my husband is gone...hey I'm 'it!' I'm really not ready to be relegated to old age, to just be someone to put up with, to have my kids feel obligated too or to be looked at as if most of my life is over and I'm on the downhill slide. No, by golly, I still have life to live, love to be found, fun to be had, friends to be made, adventures to experience....so don't write me off just yet! Perhaps I shall have another bowl of ice cream!!
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
IN THE MIDST OF IT ALL!!
Yicks! 8 days till Christmas! About now is when I start second guessing my choice of gift giving! Is it dumb, ridiculous, 'grandmaish', or just plain 'regifting' material?!! I remember the Christmas' when my mom was always so excited about something she had sewed or found on sale that she was just certain us girls would love. And yes, the obligatory oo's and ah's were made...'thanks mom, just the right size, just what I needed, just the right color!' Well, now it's my turn to receive those comments from my married kids, plus the 'say thank you to grandma' that is forced on the grands when they open my gift. The circle of life, or should I say gifts.....here I am in the midst of Christmas chaos, second guessing myself as I'm sure my mom did. I've truly turned into my mother....and I don't mind it! She put so much time and effort into those loving gestures and would have been devastated to see the way we laughed at the panties that were 3 sizes to big, or the leopard printed vests sewn with a eye to fashion...well, at least HER eye! The guys always received socks, underwear and the more than one occasion KMart flannel shirt..not to mention the gloves that when used for one good shoveling sprang a hole! But you know what? Mom had little money to spend. She saved all year to be sure everyone had at least one gift from her. She shopped all year long to find each indivdual gift that she deemed just perfect for whomever. She could stretch a dollar farther than any person I've ever known and always for someone else,...she was love in motion.
I miss my mom. Especially this time of year. I miss seeing her bake, sew, give and love. Her generosity to others puts me to shame, but I was given a perfect role model in her and I pray that when my kids and grands open those oh so practical gifts from me that they will somehow remember that they were given out of love. Let the giggles begin...and Merry Christmas!
I miss my mom. Especially this time of year. I miss seeing her bake, sew, give and love. Her generosity to others puts me to shame, but I was given a perfect role model in her and I pray that when my kids and grands open those oh so practical gifts from me that they will somehow remember that they were given out of love. Let the giggles begin...and Merry Christmas!
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