She came the other day.....The Realtor. Hoisting a For Sale sign and placing it in my yard, I sensed it was staring back at me as if to say, "Are you sure this is what you want to do? Do you really want me to scream out to those passing by that this is the end, that you've decided to turn the page and move on?" The bright red lettering shouts 'For Sale!' 'For Sale!', holding on it's cold steel sides, a sense of expectation and of closure.
How can I put a price tag on the past 13 years in this, my home? How can I sell the memories that were made here? What about the countless hours watching my grandchildren arrive as wee babies and grow to handsome, beautiful teens. How can I cut short time to spend with my 3 year old grandson, who has just begun to fill my home with giggles and grins and shouts of "I love you grandma!" He was not blessed with the companionship of his grandpa like the others were, but heaven help me, I have been trying to fill that vacancy with all the love this old grandma can muster up. I pray he will remember that love when I'm gone, as I will. The last of 9 grands, he has filled me with wonder! I cannot bare to think of life without him so I shall visit often.
My mind rolls back to the many summer days when all the grands would come over for a romp in the little three ring rubber pool, stopping just long enough for a quick bite of lunch on the miniature picnic table and back to rolling down the feather soft grass hill, amid screeches of glee! The many games we played, kicking the ball up hill, learning to hit a ball off the tee, throwing baseballs and footballs, badmitton, even a golf hole! So many things they would think to do....a favorite being digging a hole in the garden before planting, that would be nearly as tall as they were! These were precious years that will forever be captured deep inside my cache of memories and hopefully they too will draw on them in the years to come and perhaps smile a little for the fun times. These years flew by quickly and their focus began to turn to team sports and with pride and adoration we watched so many games and cheered as only adoring grandparents could do. I am so glad grandpa was around to see much of this and I know the children will remember him forever! I love each one with a love everlasting and pray that this love will linger with them long after I have departed.
And then there are my daughters. With pride and joy I have watched them blossom from young inexperienced mothers, to mature, wise, giving, Godly, parents. What a privilege to have been here and shared their lives and of course my son in laws. What joy to have been able to accompany them with their ups and downs, to have laughed and cried, and journeyed these years together. It has given my life such fulfillment...a fulfillment they will not experience until their children have become parents and given them this opportunity. Time has sped by much too quickly I might add, and I wish with all my heart that we had spent it a little more wisely, a little more closely, but also understanding that they were processing their own lives and forming their childrens lives and I just pause and praise God for this season of life that I did have with them. To just imagine that I have been a part of all of this is a miracle and I will tuck these memories safely in a special part of my heart to occasionally bring out and cherish.
I turn from the kitchen window, cross the room and step into my backyard. There they are again! Those memories! I stand quietly as the breeze touches my cheeks with a reassuring feeling, as if my beloved were saying, 'it's ok, we had our time here, it is now time for you to go, time for you to become you, to start life anew, where winters treat you kindly and summers hold anticipation for things to come.' Yes, endings are always hard. My eyes follow the fence line that was finished on the last day of his life,..they strain to see the garden spot he so faithfully fenced in for me so the rabbits would quit devouring my planted veggies. I stand amazed at the workmanship of the stone stairs he built so I wouldn't have to climb up the slippery hill to the garden. I see the timbers stacked and filled with soil so I could fill it full of flowers, the shed he built to store the tools and lawn equipment, the graveled area installed for placement of his boat and trailer. I had cried when the deck was torn off to make room for the new addition and along with it the gazebo was to be destroyed. He understood how I loved it and called on relatives and friedns to help him move it to it's new location at the end of the patio, where it it now stands so stately, filled with flowers and vines as a respite from the heat of the warm summer days. His main purpose was to make this place a home, a sanctuary of love, a home that felt safe. How can I leave a home that virtually holds a myriad of memories that fill my heart? Because it's time.
I can no longer keep it as it should be kept and feel the need to close the door before it begins to show the age that I am beginning to feel. It was a good life shared with my husband, we made this house a home, with a door always open and arms ready to hold our loved ones, but this past winter, with it's harsh winds and heaping snow, made me realize I could do it no longer. I am not proud of the fact that I hate to ask for help, but it is a fact, and I do not feel it is fair to impose on those I love to help me....they have their own lives to maintain, as well they should, and I am so, so grateful for the time they did give me. I understand how precious time is to them during this season of their lives. This will be best for all...but mostly for me.
I leave behind a piece of my heart, but no regrets, for the years have been good, and the memories will warm me the rest of my life and the love that has been shown and given to me will be thought of often with gratitude and humility. And so I close this chapter of my life, and slowly turn the page to begin the final pages. For really, what is life but pages filled with stories, memories and love....and I still have time to write a few more..
