DECEMBER.......

I'm wavering between fatigue, nostalgia, joyfulness, anxiety...I guess you could cover about any emotion and I'm feeling it this frigid December day. For some reason, December does that too me..and always has. A throwback to childhood? Early married days? Raising children years? Empty nester symdrome? Widowhood? Each season held good times and not so good times....memories that make me smile,...memories that bring heaviness. But isn't that just the way life is?

In two days, the 15th of December, it would have been our 49th wedding anniversary. Really now! I'm just not that old! One look in the mirror tells a different story however! Isn't it funny how we can look at those 50th anniversary pictures in the paper and see 'old' people celebrating this wondrous occasion and wonder if we'll ever make it to that Golden date. Well, guess what Dennis! We would have been those 'old' people next year! Hard to take in isn't it!! I'm sure he's smiling down thinking what a silly I am! My point I guess, is that I'm not sad about this upcoming date, but I rather feel a sense of satisfaction that we had all those years...years that saw there ups and downs, but nonetheless, years that proclaimed love, overcoming, steadfastness and all the other cliches that come with a long marriage. December was a month of celebration.

December childhood memories are yet another story. Looking back I can remember the great fun we would have, freezing our rear ends off while sledding with insufficient clothing and those old rubber boots that required bread sacks over shoes in order to slip them on! By the time we'd go in to warm by the fire, icycles were hanging off our caps and gloves and the feet were so cold we could barely walk, but oh the fun! The Christmas season still held expectation even though our family was stationed somewhere between poverty and just getting by. Just the thought of a wrapped gift under the slightly decorated tree gave me a shiver of gladness, with hopes that perhaps this year Santa would really remember what I asked for! Mom always made it as festive as she could and our annual trek to Grandma's for Christmas Day and all those wonderful goodies she would make, was always a wonderful experience! Aunts, Uncles, Cousins....food, fun, laughter....who even remembered we were poor! Priceless memories! December was a month of expectation.

Ah, and then came the years of child raising! The most precious of all! The early years were lean, but good years. Early in December we would load up the kids and off to the mountains we would go to cut our own tree....I'd pack a lunch, fill the thermos with hot cocoa and we'd have such an adventure finding just the right one! After trudging through the deep snow for what seemed like hours till the 'find', it was always a very quiet ride back home with sleeping kids in the back seat. As the years went by, we progressed from meager Christmas' to pretty average middle income years. We tried to fulfill at least one gift desire of each child and fill in with the obligatory mittens, socks and underwear that I'm sure agitated their little souls! More years, added girlfriends/boyfriends/spouses/ .... promotions, working mother, more lavish Christmas times, but all the while maintaining that perfect balance of love and togetherness. December was a time to cherish family.

And then they were gone! Oh the empty nest syndrome hit hard that first year alone, with nary a child left in the house! Through teary eyes, we pulled out the tree, tackled the decorations and tried to put on a joyful front even though our hearts just weren't in it. But wait! Did we forget? They would come home for Christmas...and if they couldn't, don't all hearts come home for Christmas? Yes, those were good years too..years of expectation, new marriages, new grandchildren, yes, a new way of life for us, but always a life that included them and all that they had produced to enrich our lives. December's during this time of life brought joy, mingled with sadness that they of course would leave and go back to their lives while we ventured on with ours.

And then came widowhood. Perhaps the hardest of December's. Empty anniversaries would come and go....Christmas excitement ebbed, decking the home lost it's luster, life somehow seemed filled with only silence and sadness. But time has a way of making one remember the good times...the wonderful Decembers of years gone by, the awakening of the memories that spoke to me that life was not over, that December and Christmas were still part of me, that I could still celebrate my Lord's birth, the great memories of December's in my life, my family, my friends, my hope for the future. Yes, December's in widowhood are full of hope, faith and most of all gratitude for all the December's that make up my life. So even with all the diverse emotions December evokes, I love it, I cherish every little bit of the past yet I so look forward to future Decembers. Bring them on.....I will hold each one close to my aging heart and let God handle the rest.

WASN'T IT JUST YESTERDAY?.......

Something about Autumn brings out the nostalgia in me. It's a feeling that I can't describe, sorta flows over me from top to bottom, leaving a warm feeling that would be a soft glow if feelings had color. The rich hues that encompass the landscape somehow bring back memories from what seems like yesterday, but upon further review disclose that they actually are from many years ago. I go through this emotion every year at this time,...sort of a happy/sad kind of thing. What ignited it this year was a drive by the grade school that all the grands had attended, but were now happily promoted to middle and high schools. Those days are gone...but I remind myself that 3 year old Finn will be providing unlimited opportunities to live those things over again, so with fresh eyes and a heart full of pride I will once again answer the call to yet another round of music, laughter and fun!

I came home, fixed myself a cup of tea to ward off the chill of this crisp, windy fall day, and sat sipping quietly, my mind running wildly to years long ago. I started dating Dennis in the fall. He had a motorcycle. That thing scared the wits out of me, but he convinced me that a ride through the countryside on that beautiful, warm fall day would show me that it could be more fun than terrifying! He was right. Thus began a courtship whipping through the vineyards and orchard roads around our hometown. Yes, that 'glowing' feeling began right there. It has remained ever since. As I rake the falling leaves, take a walk crunching the dry foliage under my feet, hear a motorcyle in the distance, prepare the home for a long 'winters nap', I am reminded of the many years we spent together, the memories we shared, the love for our grandchildren, the joy seeing our grown children applying the values we tried to give them and succeeding quite nicely I might add, all the while absorbing that 'fall feeling' that brings both melancholy and warm happy feelings.

At this age I have accumulated many, many memories. Family ones are the best, the richest, the most heartwarming. Yes, there will be more memories to come, more wonderful adventures to participate in, more anticipation toward my granchildren's life choices, .....more love. My life is not perfect....it never was, but God gave me exactly what I was supposed to have for as long as I was supposed to have it and for that I am grateful. If life was perfect I would not be alone, I would have more time with my family, I wouldn't live so far from my son and his family, there wouldn't be sadness or hardship for my loved ones, our health would be good, and on and on....but thats not 'real' life now is it. So I take what my precious Lord an Savior gives me, I cherish my memories, I look forward to whatever He has planned for my future and give Him praise and honor for all He as given me. Now that's life!

DID I EVER MENTION THAT...........

It's Fall. That always puts me in a pensive, thoughtful, perhaps melancholy mood. But that's not all bad, for it gives me time to slow down and remember some things I think I know for sure.....maybe not completely sure, but 'pretty sure.' It's rather a long list of thoughts sifting through my mind and I think I started the process while watching some leaves slowly drifting down from their impressive height in the maple tree. Sort of bunge jumping without a cord, knowing full well their destination isn't a positive thing! Pretty, but not positive! So go my thoughts on life, some pretty impressive, others bordering on depressive! Ah, but that is life...some good things, some bad, but always producing the chance to grow if you let them. Therefore,
DID I EVER MENTION THAT:

My family completes me.
God has all the answers.
When life gets me down, I look up.
My friends add meaning to my life.
Flowers make me smile.
I'm so thankful for each new day!
Sweets give me courage!!
Love should go on forever.
Happiness is infectious.
I know God's angels surround me.
Crisp, sunny Fall days warm my heart.
Prayers go further than wishes.
Dreams really can come true!
Disagreement does not mean we have to part ways.
Grieving never ends, its grip just lessens.
I will never get bored with life.
I can't force someone to love me.
Money isn't the most valuable asset in life, love is.
Forgiveness lifts my spirits so I try to forgive my self as well as others.
If I worry about the future, I'm missing the here and now.
Miracles do happen!
Rainbows give me hope!
Listening to a gentle rain refreshes my soul.
Being crazy once in awhile makes me sane!
Remembering my roots keeps me humble.
A good sound sleep brings clarity to a troubled mind.
My Heavenly Father's arms are the safest place to be.
I would rather trust in God for my future than know it.
I cannot love silently.
I hope I get one more chance to love deeply.
Sometimes I just need to get angry!
My tongue can cause heartache for a lifetime.
Maturity is overrated!
Early morning coffee helps perfect my day.
Watching my grandchildren grow gives a sense of fulfillment to my life.
Birthdays at this age suck!
I hold a piece of each friend I've ever had within my heart.
Seeing the outcome of my children's lives, makes 'it' all worth while!
God's love is never failing.
My favorite Bible verse is also my philosophy for life...Proverbs 3:5-6, now go look it up!

Slippin' away.....

Pensive.....I guess that's how I'm feeling this afternoon. That faraway feeling that seems to be slipping even farther away. I don't like it, but more importantly I don't like that certain things seem to be moving farther and farther away from me. Not tangible things, but emotional things, like ties to the past, or friendships, or relationships that I wish weren't over, children whose lives are so busy like mine was at one time, or grandchildren growing up and away viewing grandma diffferently than they did as little ones. Nothing I can reach out and grasp, but feelings that only the heart can understand. What started it all was a post someone made on Facebook that said, "if you could hear from anyone today, who would you want that to be?" It got me to thinking.......and when I begin to think, I can be drawn back to places deep in my gray matter that can either bring great joy or intense sadness. In this case, there is a smidgen of both. Oh, I accept that time moves on, that lives change, relationships come and go, but that doesn't stop the thoughts!
Click, click, click....I go back to friendships I thought would last forever....they don't. A few more clicks to my young married life with it's many, many challenges,..adjusting to each other, babies, engaging in new couple friendships, church life, children growing, marital woes, juggling work life with home life, moving, reestablishing, moving again, new lifestyles and activities, children maturing to adulthood, moving again, new challenges, children marrying, grandchildren arriving, whole new lifestyle as a grandparent, retirement, death of spouse. Personal time capsule complete!

But back to the original question...whom would I like to hear from today? "IF" is the operative word! Unquestionably it would be Dennis, ..so much to be said that was left unsaid...a chance to say good-bye. Perhaps that is the untangible thing that weighs on my mind...I never got to say good-bye. If I could just hear his voice, ...say "I love you" one more time, and give a proper goodbye...yes that would be a way for me to gently close the door to those unsettled feelings. That is the foremost thing in my mind regarding who I would like to speak to today, then I could let those feelings of incompleteness slip away as they rightly should. But instead, I must willfully make that choice, I must lift my voice to the sky and quietly say what's in my heart and let those feelings float away with the clouds.

The 'slipping away' feeling continues with memories of old friendships from years gone by. I don't believe they will ever be completely gone, because we always reserve a special place in our heart for memories, and for that I am grateful. Although we may never meet again, I can forever draw up a long forgotten memory and hold it close for a few moments to draw immense pleasure from it. To those friends, I give thanks for the enrichment they brought to my life....you may be slipping away, but your memory never will. Thank you.

But what of a relationship that has slipped away? There is no, 'slipping'...it is gone! For whatever reason, it just didn't work out, my heart was broken. I tried to hold on, but it wasn't too be. It was like holding on to a ledge with fingers that slowly slipped, slipped, slipped until you just had to let go and fall to whatever would uphold you. I don't regret that relationship,..it brought joy, a level of sharing that touched me deeply, but because of unresolved problems was left to slip from my life. The 'what ifs', the 'could have been's' are best left alone to just slip into that room of my heart that will forever be locked.

Passed on loved one, friendships, relationship....those are things that have either slipped away or are slipping away. I am thinking again......thinking that I have so much time allotted to me in this life, so what am I going to do with it? Live with the moment, cherish the present, realize I have opportunities to still make memories with my children and grandchildren, friends, loved ones...oh yes, I can get meloncholy about the past, about that 'slipping' feeling, but the Lord willing, I will continue to make wonderful memories with what I have now, and perhaps one day He will give me a new life's partner to share life's journey and make unbelievable memories that will help those in the future remember me with just a smile and a little feeling of 'slipping away!'

"Into one grain, there come a hundred harvests,
In a single heart is a whole world contained." - Unknown-

Sunday Afternoon....

You know the kind of day I'm talking about. Endless blue sky with a few of those wayward white clouds slowing making their way across the quiet of the high places. The warmth is just right, the breeze softly touching your cheeks. You're alone with your thoughts, but the perfection of the moment causes you to dismiss them, leaving you only to absorb the feeling. I'm gently rocking back and forth in my deck swing, listening to the droning of the bumblebees ....hoping one of them doesn't decide to go beserk and start attacking me like a few days ago! Nature gone violent for no apparent reason! Thank goodness my daughter and son-in-law were here to ward away the insane bumbler with the deck pillows! While madly swinging the pillows they managed to hit him but then the unimaginable happened! It turned on Chris! Screaming like a girl, he began his hysterical run across the yard as I grabbed the weapon of choice, the pillow, and began swiping away at the crazy stripped creature as we both joined in high pitched screeches and frenetic running! While he continued to run, I made an exit to the shed and grabbed the hornet spray. Racing back to the scene of hysteria, I began my murderous spraying! No thanks to skill, I hit the bee with a straightline shot and away he went! Exhausted we tumbled into the patio chairs, half laughing half crying, with one eye searching the premises for said bee's return! Thus ended a very brisk encounter with a so-called 'peaceful bumblebee!' I shall never trust them again!
Well, anyhow, back to my peaceful Sunday afternoon. Sorta lost the mood now, reliving that moment of terror! So, I'll grab my iced coffee, pick up my latest novel, head for the deck swing, lay my head on those sting preventing pillows and simply digest the rest of this glorious Sunday afternoon. Peace to you bumblebees!

AND THEN THERE WAS GRANDPA....


The other day I had the privilege to read autobiographies that were written by two of my grands during their 7th grade year in middle school. These were written over the course of the school year and contained an incredible amount of family and personal information along with pictures, items of interest to them, letters etc., etc.. but what caught my eye and touched my heart was their remembrance of their grandpa, my husband, who passed away three years ago. I read their memories and felt the warmth and love that must have flowed over them as they remembered him with such fondness. I must admit, I had a fleeting pang of sadness over what seemed to be an obvious vacancy of any mention of me! But this wasn’t about me, it was about memories, feelings and love for a man who gave nothing but that….love. I still have time to create memories, his time has passed. His legacy lives on in their hearts. I sat, closed my eyes and let time run through my mind as I recalled the magic of him being a grandpa.

Children gravitated to Dennis, not just our grandchildren…all kids. A quick wink and a smile would cause them to take a step behind their parent, but then very soon they would quietly make their way to his side. He would lean down and very quietly ask them a question or give them a little tickle. Zap! They were goners! Eating in a restaurant with a child hanging over the adjoining booth always resulted in peek-a-boo and wild giggles! Yes, he was ‘that’ kind of grandpa, the kind that couldn’t resist a child nor they him. It was no big surprise when our grandchildren began to arrive how very easily he stepped into the role of GRANDpa. Hannah was the first, the apple of his eye from the beginning. He packed her everywhere, rocked her to sleep, worried when she was sick and as she grew if you couldn’t find Hannah, well, you knew where she was….stuck to Grandpa’s side! It was a sight to behold, this Grandpa with his little towheaded darling.

He found joy in each new addition and they found joy in him. When our adopted granddaughter arrived from Korea, we met her at the airport. Several times Dennis would disappear and I would find him discreetly wiping his eyes from tears of happiness for Nick and Denise. He never spoke very much about the adoption, but those tears said it all. In fact, Dennis never was much of a talker, but when he did speak, people listened, including his grandchildren. Boy did they listen if they had done something they were told not to do! Respect,..that’s it, they had respect for him. It was never the big things that he did that caused the adoration, but all the small enduring acts of love that filled their lives. When they hit the front door running, it was always with a yelp…”where’s grandpa?!” Another adventure about to begin! A birdhouse to build, a toy to be fixed, a game to be played, snowmen to roll. Most anything that needed repair was brought to Grandpa. When several would be here at a time, it was a race to see who got to sit with him on his recliner and many times there were two wedged on each side. No matter though, they were happy just being close to him and he with them. Grandpa made the best birthday cakes ever! They could request a theme and there it would be….displayed on a beautiful hand decorated cake, made by the loving hands of Grandpa! Thank heaven I have all of them preserved in photo’s! A cherished remembrance of the work of Grandpa’s hands.


The grands began to grow, much to his dismay, for he thought it would mean less time with them, less acts of affection, less ‘grandpa time.’ Oh was he wrong! Once adored, always adored! Sports, activities and friends began to fill their schedules, but the bleachers or sidelines in a lawn chair were always occupied by a cheering, proud man! “That’s my grandchild” would often be the exclamation to an unaware spectator at his side! His heart was filled with pride, even if the score didn’t deserve it!

Dennis loved to fish and hunt and camp. He so anticipated being able to do the things he loved with the grands that he loved. Yes, there were several camping trips, visits to the son-in-laws cabin and many hours on the dock, untangling lines, changing hooks, teaching young minds the happiness of the outdoors, but not nearly enough. Luke was his spur of the moment fishing buddy. Oft times they came back ‘skunked’ but full of tales of the one’s that were ‘almost caught!’ Andrew, at times would tag along, but he never had the stay power Luke had. Andrew was just special as Andrew!! Give Luke a pole and a day, and from dawn to dusk his line would be in the water!

Then there were the Canadian fishing trips with SIL Nick and grands Jack and Hunter! Oh my, the excitement! For nights prior to leaving he would toss and turn, imagining the adventure that lay ahead! And what times they had! I’m so happy Jack and Hunter had their gramps all to themselves for those times…..memories, rich, warm memories of a grandpa who took such pleasure in sharing time with them!

It always bothered him that we didn’t have enough time with our son’s daughter Dakota. They lived in Washington and his time with her was so brief. There is a picture of the three of us on our last visit to her and yes, you guessed it…she’s sitting on HIS lap! Just as it should be. A grinning gramps with another beloved grandchild. It’s so sad she did not get to know him as the others did, but hopefully she can see all the love in those pictures. I sure hope big sister Selina (our step grand) knew how much he cared for her too….I believe she did.

And then along came Finn. Cami was pregnant with him when Dennis died. He never got to see that beautiful, rambunctious baby boy. He never got to hold him, spoil him, play with him, teach him…he never got to love him. He would never hear the words ‘grandpa’ come out of his little lips. I know Cami feels robbed of that time for Finn, for she knows and observed the love he gave to all his grandchildren and she so very much wanted that for Finn. I know he sees, I know he loves, as he smiles with pride at the last of his beloved grandchildren.

So now I understand why grandma was not mentioned in the autobiographies! Grandpa was a giant of a man….not in stature but in love. They were blessed to have him, he was taken much to early, but the time God gave him to love and cherish each one will be etched in their lives forever. Amazing love, how can it be, that God gave him to you and me.
We love you Grandpa!

how can i not love you - joy enriquez

And now nothing...

I was just thinking....oh here I go again...'thinking!' No really, I WAS thinking this morning! I was thinking how distant we have become in our communication skills, well I guess I mean, the depth of our communication skills. Having made my usual computer run this morning, only to find no personal emails, 6 email advertisements and the Daily Dilly, I clicked over to Facebook and generally found only a few spotty comments from my "Friends" there. Gee's, I'm starving for interaction, communication, heartfelt sharing! That's when the 'thinking' began!

I'm going to give away my age here, but that's ok, age is a abstract concept anyhow!
Back in the mid 60's, as a young bride with very little excess spending money, and very little time between diaper changes, nap schedules and energy, I found my daily over the fence conversations with a neighbor or neighbors, to be such a fulfilling part of my day. Human contact! Yes, that's it...human contact! We shared stories, saw facial expressions, enjoyed seeing laughter or empathizing with problems by exchanging heartfelt hugs and words of encouragement. Somehow those things just don't come across via computer messages. Those were good memories; those were in days when things were much slower and more defined than they are today, those were moments that weren't penciled in between the hurry up schedules of today, those were days before I went to work!

Thus began the days of phone calls. They were better than nothing. We could at least catch up on the major events of our lives, share a concern, gripe about our husbands or tell a tale on the kids, and we still feel connected, with the promise of getting together 'real soon!' Phone calls were good. There was that much needed voice connection, you know, the 'it's so good to hear your voice' thing. It still felt warm and personal.

I don't remember exactly when we first bought our computer, or when I became brave enough to enter the world of emailing, but I do remember how excited I was at the instant gratification of typing off a quick message to a friend or family member and feeling that sense of accomplishment that I was somehow fulfilling the obligation of keeping in touch with very little time required! Ah yes, the world was starting to spin and time was becoming precious to me between working, family, keeping a home, church obligations, and trying to mix in some extra outside activities. This emailing thing seemed like just the ticket to expedite keeping in touch! And it was, but now I can look back and see it was the beginning of the end to that personal touch. I'm not saying it's a bad thing....I'm just saying.....

Well low and behold, about a year ago I was introduced to the phenomenon of Facebook! I was sold, lock stock and barrel! How cool was this! I not only could reintroduce myself to long lost friends and relatives, but I could post a short report about my daily doings on my Wall each day! Who wouldn't want to know the very interesting, yet perhaps mundane things I do each day? Good grief! This was heaven! I could keep up with them, they could keep up with me, we could post pictures, exchange chats and comments....who could ask for more? I no longer had to stop and take the time to write a time consuming email! Now here begins the part where I 'start thinking!' Because this morning when I went from my email (none) to my Facebook account and discovered there were no comments, no Wall postings, no one on the Chat feature....well, that's when I thought, "Good heaven's, now it's become too hard to even post a short comment on Facebook, ..where do we go from here?"

Life goes on, we do the best we can, and although I personally enjoy the intimacy of face to face communication so I can look into eyes that smile or a face covered with sadness allowing me to reach out with a warm hug or a small understanding nod of my head, I must admit, that isn't always possible. So I will continue to write that email, post that nondescript Wall post and pick up that phone on occasion...it isn't perfection, but it's a heck of a lot better than nothing!

IF LIFE...

IF LIFE…


If life was perfect I would still have my husband, but I don’t.
If life was perfect I wouldn’t worry about my future, but I do.
If life was perfect I wouldn’t have to ask for help but I must.
If life was perfect all my children and grandchildren would live close by, but they don’t.
If life was perfect I wouldn’t have to think about finances ever again, but I have too.
If life was perfect nothing would break down, or wear out, but they do.
If life was perfect friends would not move away or fade away but they do.
If life was perfect sickness would not affect my world, but it will.
If life was perfect I would remain strong enough to maintain my home, but I won’t.
If life was perfect I would find love again but it’s doubtful.
If life was perfect I wouldn’t grow old but I will.
If life was perfect I wouldn’t die alone, but perhaps I will.
If life was perfect all things would be perfect but heaven must wait.

If I keep my eyes on the Lord and believe His promises to me in complete trust and obedience than all of these anxieties and frustrations are for naught, so I will.
If I continue to say “I cannot” it is saying You are not sustaining and protecting me, so I won’t.
If I abnormally examine my inner self or look at the future with dread then I am not ‘kept by the power of God’, so I will not.
If I give up because I have been through trials and disappointments and discount God’s mercy, I am not trusting Him, so I shall not.
If I don’t ‘cast my burden upon the Lord’ I am not committing it to Him so I will.
If I hang on to my own weakness and not let go and let God I am diminishing His dominion over me, so I won’t.
If I do not see God at work in all my circumstances than I am not believing in His sovereignty, so I will.
If I believe that faithfulness to Jesus is stepping out of my own understanding even when I can’t see the outcome, than I am deliberately committing my life to Him, and I have.

“In all these things we are more than conquerors, through Him who loved us” Romans 8:37

NOT JUST A FRIEND

Her email came this morning. I didn't like what I read. Her positive attitude, and nonchalant approach to a situation that could very well threaten her life caused me to slam the lid of my computer down and walk away, frustrated with the unfairness of it all. Cancer...I hate that word..it even sounds ugly...cancer. The surgery she just went through gave me hope that all was taken care of, that she was free and clear and returning to her life that not only was a blessing to her but to me, in fact I'm sure to all whose lives she touches. She's that kind of person you know, one who makes me happy just to be counted as her friend. "Don't feel bad for me, don't be sad" she says. Her faith and trust in the Lord's provision brings a flush of anguish to my face as I struggle with this feeling of disproportionate news.
I do have to smile a bit though, as she makes light of hair loss, wigs, loosing weight, foam molds, tatoo's...leave it to her to find the laughter in a very sober situation! Ok then, if she can do it, I can do it gosh darn it!

I first met Linda at church. Actually I noticed her before we even met. She was the kind of woman I admired from a distance, beings I was fairly new at being a born-again Christian. Her involvement in church activities, the way others gravitated to her warmth, her evident love of her husband and children, her love of the Lord. Yes, Linda was who I wanted to be like. One Sunday I was told that Linda's mom had passed away and I felt the strongest urge to go to her, to hug her, to give her some form of encouragement even though I myself had never lost someone and didn't have a clue what to say so I only said, "I'm so sorry for you loss." And now I know that is one of the most important things anyone can say to a grieving person, since I have experienced that deep heaviness in the loss of my husband. Thus began a forever friendship.

God is so loving, so merciful, so all knowing. At exactly the right time in this progression of life, He gave me Linda as a precious friend. Along with our beloved husbands, we shared countless valuable moments that still bring a feeling of abundant pleasure when remembered. To others the list of things we did may seem mundane and silly, but to me they represent love. They shared our life...the fun times, the marital problems, anxious moments at the hospital, children's issues, co-ed baseball, tennis, cards, vacations, but more than that we shared our hearts.

Having said all that I shall say this.."You my friend are an inspiration. I cherish our memories, our friendship and yes our future!" You WILL beat this my determined little soulmate! We will lift our eyes to our Lord, with joined hands and hearts and trust in His unfailing goodness. His love never fails...after all, He gave me you.

Getting Beyond

Writing helps me clear my mind. I think...maybe it does....or not, we'll see.
One month from now it will be three years since Dennis died. There...I had to see that in writing..it seems so unreal, so just yesterday yet so long ago. I can't believe I've come this far, that I've actually navigated three long years by myself. The years included decisions, situations, circumstances, issues, massive amounts of loneliness, all that was dealt on my own. No, let me clarify that statement....God and I dealt with it. The biggest hurdle of my life, to live beyond the death of my spouse, was to realize that I am never truly alone. I Peter 12:12 (The Message version) said it best, "Friends, when life gets really difficult, don't jump to the conclusion that God isn't on the job.!" I'm here to testify that indeed He WAS on the job! And IS on the job! I know now that life will never be free from heartache, grief or suffering, but I do know that God is right there in the midst of it all ready to prop me up on my 'leaning side!'
Just yesterday, I let go of a dream,...I realized I was focusing on something that was not going to happen. I don't like endings, of any nature, but to truly start over I must let something end,...I think so anyhow! How's that for finality? But really, life goes on, endings are ongoing and it seems like as soon as one hurdle is over another is on the way! But that's not a negative thing...no, to me it simply means closing a phase of my life, albeit rather sadly, so I can move on to opening another phase. I feel as if I'm poised between the past and the future. Yesterday is gone but there is a promise of tomorrow. I would have preferred a different path, but the new path brims with promises and possibilities. I will not run from the past, nor dwell on perceived mistakes or guilt, but remember the best and build on the failures, which will prove to give me newness of heart to face the future.
Hey, it's not up to others to make me happy, that's not fair! No, true happiness comes from within, when I'm satisfied with myself and the life I'm living..(I read that somewhere and it's so true!) well, then I will discover lasting peace and contentment. I'm going to choose to be happy because life will never be without it's difficulties....focusing on all that's good....my family, friends, health, oh the list goes on. I just praise God for each new day and I'll try to be open to it's possibilities and new paths. I will not postpone satisfaction nor live my life with regrets....For "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Yes, it is possible to find happiness right where I am! A door was closed but a window is wide open!

Generation Out...

Suddenly I feel like I'm skidding downhill towards old age with uncontrollable speed, and digging my heels in doesn't help a bit! Screw the old adages that we're only as old as we feel or act or whatever other crap they throw at us. If you're in your mid sixties and seventy is beckoning you with a scrawny, wrinkled finger, you begin to panic! The empty hair dye bottle at the bottom of the garbage can sneers up at me, knowing that the temporary cover-up is just that....a cover-up! Who am I kidding? The hair looks young, but the face screams 'lady, you're pathetic!' Holy flipping cow! When did I develop wrinkles like a dried up creek bed! Creases the size of the Grand Canyon, age spots effecting the reception on my television, and bags under the eyes big enough to carry last weeks groceries! Don't get me started on the scaly barnacles erupting on my back, oh ya, real attractive. I'm sure if I were to meet that special someone, the minute he laid eyes on those, he'd scream like a woman and run for his life! Did I mention my saggy butt? And speaking of saggy....the boobs made a valiant effort about three years ago to keep the 'perk up', but gave up the fight shortly thereafter! I imagine they are thinking, what's the point..perky or not, these stretch marks serve only as tiny water drains during a shower. Loosing hair in strategic places only to be replaced on the chin, requiring constant vigilance with a mirror and tweezers!
Well, you get the picture....yup, aging is definitely not for sissies! I even scare myself when the mirror projects back an image of someone I don't recognize. Who could that person be? How come my mind keeps telling me I'm still young while my body denies it? How fair is that? Seriously....I don't want to slide into old age alone, but who in their right mind would want to take on a sight such as this? I sure wouldn't blame him....after all, in his eyes, he's still the stud muffin he always was...what happened to me?

wintley phipps

wintley phipps
THIS IS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING...PLEASE GIVE A LISTEN!

CLAUDIA

Renewing My Present..

Two weeks into the New Year! Fourteen precious days of 2010 are gone, never to be regained. A few minutes ago I jotted a reminder note on my calendar and was startled to see how many 'jots' were made on the previous two weeks! Sometimes I get this feeling of desperation...like my purpose here is too vague, like I should be doing something monumental with my life. I'm staring at that calendar right now, reliving the past couple of weeks. I can actually see a pattern, a purpose, a meaning. Hey! I DO have a life and it's a pretty darn good one too! Granted,
not every day is filled with purposeful, meaningful, life changing events, but each one holds a significant purpose. It's my life. When did I start living it again after the death of my husband? When did life begin to feel normal. When did I settle into the daily functions and decisions without lamenting the fact that Dennis wasn't here to do that for me? Wasn't it just yesterday I could not see beyond each hour and was certain that time would move as slowly as a heavy fog on a winter morn.
When did I stop saying 'why me Lord, don't you like me any more?' A verse from Isaiah43 comes to mind..."Forget the former things;do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!" Yes, the anguish, questioning and misgivings have been replaced with belief, confidence and certainty. God is good!
Now what do I do with the present? What decisions do I 'purpose' to make?
I wasn't going to make a New Year's resolution list, but I feel I need to make a 'renewal' declaration. A quote by Brooks Atkinson says: Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go! Therefore I purpose to:

Live neither in the past nor the future
Stop putting life on hold
Not depend on others for my happiness
Let go of unproductive thoughts
Give life a chance
Love with all my heart
Forgive and let go of bitterness
Embrace hope
Be thankful in all things
Make a difference in peoples lives
Trust God for all my needs according to His riches in glory

Well, you get the picture...to renew my present requires not clinging to the past. What might happen tomorrow? I don't know, but I have a God who knows, and that's all I need to know.

Stepping Up

It's -10 degree's outside and here I sit eating a big bowl of Peppermint ice cream...why? Because I can. If I still had children at home I would definitely discourage this with the oh so sensible logic of a mother, but I don't, so I will do as I please! I actually bought this ice cream in hopes the grands would devour it over Christmas...but nope..no takers and thus it is left up to me to make sure it doesn't go to waste! I'm up to the task!

There would have been one point in my life when I would have hated to be referred to as 'you're becoming your mother', but now I could give a damn! I AM a mother, I AM a grandmother and I DO have some traits from my mom...and I'm proud of that. I know for a fact that she also reached a point in life where ice cream in the middle of the coldest spell of winter would have enticed her. Why am I on this ice cream theme...this tangent of doing what I want? It's not just the ice cream..it's so many things. The New Year has driven me to a contemplative mood, to the realization that if I can't be and do what I want, right now, at this ridiculously upper-middle part of age, then when pray tell shall I? It's rather freeing, you know, to lay down the shackles of 'shoulds' or 'shouldn't' do's.

Can I actually turn away from the clucks and 'oh mom's' that I would or will hear from my kids, if I decide to do something out of the common structure of being just a mom? Or will I cower and feel diminished by their disapproval? I think not..I think I've become a me, not just a mom or grandmother, but me! I've always wanted their admiration, perhaps even longed to be given the opportunity to be a wise counsel to them when they desired it. I still stand ready if asked, but my main objective now is to listen..just listen. They need to experience their own mistakes, handle their own problems, reach their own solutions, but with the comforting thought that their mom is just a phone call away, with a knowing heart and a experienced shoulder that welcomes a wearied head.

This age thing can get you down. After all I'm 'it' now, I'm the oldest survivor. The grandparents to my children are gone, my husband is gone...hey I'm 'it!' I'm really not ready to be relegated to old age, to just be someone to put up with, to have my kids feel obligated too or to be looked at as if most of my life is over and I'm on the downhill slide. No, by golly, I still have life to live, love to be found, fun to be had, friends to be made, adventures to experience....so don't write me off just yet! Perhaps I shall have another bowl of ice cream!!