DECEMBER.......

I'm wavering between fatigue, nostalgia, joyfulness, anxiety...I guess you could cover about any emotion and I'm feeling it this frigid December day. For some reason, December does that too me..and always has. A throwback to childhood? Early married days? Raising children years? Empty nester symdrome? Widowhood? Each season held good times and not so good times....memories that make me smile,...memories that bring heaviness. But isn't that just the way life is?

In two days, the 15th of December, it would have been our 49th wedding anniversary. Really now! I'm just not that old! One look in the mirror tells a different story however! Isn't it funny how we can look at those 50th anniversary pictures in the paper and see 'old' people celebrating this wondrous occasion and wonder if we'll ever make it to that Golden date. Well, guess what Dennis! We would have been those 'old' people next year! Hard to take in isn't it!! I'm sure he's smiling down thinking what a silly I am! My point I guess, is that I'm not sad about this upcoming date, but I rather feel a sense of satisfaction that we had all those years...years that saw there ups and downs, but nonetheless, years that proclaimed love, overcoming, steadfastness and all the other cliches that come with a long marriage. December was a month of celebration.

December childhood memories are yet another story. Looking back I can remember the great fun we would have, freezing our rear ends off while sledding with insufficient clothing and those old rubber boots that required bread sacks over shoes in order to slip them on! By the time we'd go in to warm by the fire, icycles were hanging off our caps and gloves and the feet were so cold we could barely walk, but oh the fun! The Christmas season still held expectation even though our family was stationed somewhere between poverty and just getting by. Just the thought of a wrapped gift under the slightly decorated tree gave me a shiver of gladness, with hopes that perhaps this year Santa would really remember what I asked for! Mom always made it as festive as she could and our annual trek to Grandma's for Christmas Day and all those wonderful goodies she would make, was always a wonderful experience! Aunts, Uncles, Cousins....food, fun, laughter....who even remembered we were poor! Priceless memories! December was a month of expectation.

Ah, and then came the years of child raising! The most precious of all! The early years were lean, but good years. Early in December we would load up the kids and off to the mountains we would go to cut our own tree....I'd pack a lunch, fill the thermos with hot cocoa and we'd have such an adventure finding just the right one! After trudging through the deep snow for what seemed like hours till the 'find', it was always a very quiet ride back home with sleeping kids in the back seat. As the years went by, we progressed from meager Christmas' to pretty average middle income years. We tried to fulfill at least one gift desire of each child and fill in with the obligatory mittens, socks and underwear that I'm sure agitated their little souls! More years, added girlfriends/boyfriends/spouses/ .... promotions, working mother, more lavish Christmas times, but all the while maintaining that perfect balance of love and togetherness. December was a time to cherish family.

And then they were gone! Oh the empty nest syndrome hit hard that first year alone, with nary a child left in the house! Through teary eyes, we pulled out the tree, tackled the decorations and tried to put on a joyful front even though our hearts just weren't in it. But wait! Did we forget? They would come home for Christmas...and if they couldn't, don't all hearts come home for Christmas? Yes, those were good years too..years of expectation, new marriages, new grandchildren, yes, a new way of life for us, but always a life that included them and all that they had produced to enrich our lives. December's during this time of life brought joy, mingled with sadness that they of course would leave and go back to their lives while we ventured on with ours.

And then came widowhood. Perhaps the hardest of December's. Empty anniversaries would come and go....Christmas excitement ebbed, decking the home lost it's luster, life somehow seemed filled with only silence and sadness. But time has a way of making one remember the good times...the wonderful Decembers of years gone by, the awakening of the memories that spoke to me that life was not over, that December and Christmas were still part of me, that I could still celebrate my Lord's birth, the great memories of December's in my life, my family, my friends, my hope for the future. Yes, December's in widowhood are full of hope, faith and most of all gratitude for all the December's that make up my life. So even with all the diverse emotions December evokes, I love it, I cherish every little bit of the past yet I so look forward to future Decembers. Bring them on.....I will hold each one close to my aging heart and let God handle the rest.