Slippin' away.....

Pensive.....I guess that's how I'm feeling this afternoon. That faraway feeling that seems to be slipping even farther away. I don't like it, but more importantly I don't like that certain things seem to be moving farther and farther away from me. Not tangible things, but emotional things, like ties to the past, or friendships, or relationships that I wish weren't over, children whose lives are so busy like mine was at one time, or grandchildren growing up and away viewing grandma diffferently than they did as little ones. Nothing I can reach out and grasp, but feelings that only the heart can understand. What started it all was a post someone made on Facebook that said, "if you could hear from anyone today, who would you want that to be?" It got me to thinking.......and when I begin to think, I can be drawn back to places deep in my gray matter that can either bring great joy or intense sadness. In this case, there is a smidgen of both. Oh, I accept that time moves on, that lives change, relationships come and go, but that doesn't stop the thoughts!
Click, click, click....I go back to friendships I thought would last forever....they don't. A few more clicks to my young married life with it's many, many challenges,..adjusting to each other, babies, engaging in new couple friendships, church life, children growing, marital woes, juggling work life with home life, moving, reestablishing, moving again, new lifestyles and activities, children maturing to adulthood, moving again, new challenges, children marrying, grandchildren arriving, whole new lifestyle as a grandparent, retirement, death of spouse. Personal time capsule complete!

But back to the original question...whom would I like to hear from today? "IF" is the operative word! Unquestionably it would be Dennis, ..so much to be said that was left unsaid...a chance to say good-bye. Perhaps that is the untangible thing that weighs on my mind...I never got to say good-bye. If I could just hear his voice, ...say "I love you" one more time, and give a proper goodbye...yes that would be a way for me to gently close the door to those unsettled feelings. That is the foremost thing in my mind regarding who I would like to speak to today, then I could let those feelings of incompleteness slip away as they rightly should. But instead, I must willfully make that choice, I must lift my voice to the sky and quietly say what's in my heart and let those feelings float away with the clouds.

The 'slipping away' feeling continues with memories of old friendships from years gone by. I don't believe they will ever be completely gone, because we always reserve a special place in our heart for memories, and for that I am grateful. Although we may never meet again, I can forever draw up a long forgotten memory and hold it close for a few moments to draw immense pleasure from it. To those friends, I give thanks for the enrichment they brought to my life....you may be slipping away, but your memory never will. Thank you.

But what of a relationship that has slipped away? There is no, 'slipping'...it is gone! For whatever reason, it just didn't work out, my heart was broken. I tried to hold on, but it wasn't too be. It was like holding on to a ledge with fingers that slowly slipped, slipped, slipped until you just had to let go and fall to whatever would uphold you. I don't regret that relationship,..it brought joy, a level of sharing that touched me deeply, but because of unresolved problems was left to slip from my life. The 'what ifs', the 'could have been's' are best left alone to just slip into that room of my heart that will forever be locked.

Passed on loved one, friendships, relationship....those are things that have either slipped away or are slipping away. I am thinking again......thinking that I have so much time allotted to me in this life, so what am I going to do with it? Live with the moment, cherish the present, realize I have opportunities to still make memories with my children and grandchildren, friends, loved ones...oh yes, I can get meloncholy about the past, about that 'slipping' feeling, but the Lord willing, I will continue to make wonderful memories with what I have now, and perhaps one day He will give me a new life's partner to share life's journey and make unbelievable memories that will help those in the future remember me with just a smile and a little feeling of 'slipping away!'

"Into one grain, there come a hundred harvests,
In a single heart is a whole world contained." - Unknown-