Exposing My Victim Mentality

I love reading. Sometimes however, what I read exposes an area in my life that causes me to wiggle around in my chair. This particular book did that to me. It pointed a finger, it caused conviction, it set my mind to thinking. Mind you...the whole book touched on areas that were of value, but didn't puncture the psychie like this particular chapter....on having a victim mentality. Ouch! Was this guy peeking in my window? How did he know so much about my inner mindset, my passive aggressive talk and behavior? As I read the pages of this particular chapter I began to think ...'now he's meddling!' But that was just the conviction rising to the top! Setting the book aside, I immediately turned to God in prayer. "Lord, why do these words cause such uneasiness? Why haven't I noticed these traits in myself before? What are you trying to teach me through this man's words?" Picking up the book once again, I began to reread the chapter, this time much slower with deeper purpose, stopping periodically to really soak in a particular sentence or thought. Finally, I reached up, clicked off the lamp, rolled over on my right side, closed my eyes and wept.

My tears weren't for me, my tears were for my family and friends. The people I love deeply and
I'm convinced love me. You see, since my husband died 4 years ago I now realize I have developed a victim's mentality. What you ask, is a victim's mentality? As best I can relate, it is a comfort zone to which we run after disaster strikes, like the loss of a loved one. At first we welcome sympathy in the hour of our need, but then that season should pass, if it doesn't, we remain in the 'expectation zone,' or the 'If Only' place. Expecting more sympathy, expecting understanding, jumping on the if only wagon...if only my friends and family understood what I'm going through, if only I would have (insert your regret), if only my hurt could be heard.
Oh yes, I have become a master of eliciting feelings of sympathy and guilt in others. And as the author states...it's usually thinking they don't do enough or care enough. Once again...OUCH! My beautiful family and my devoted friends did all they could do to support me, but it always seemed to come up short...that's a victim's mentality. Victimhood is a needy state, it sucks the energy out of others and myself. I see it now, I confess it, I ask for forgiveness and I intend to take steps away from it. I can change my mind and actions regarding this life struggle...the author states it better than I could..."make a choice, choose to nourish the survivor in you and ignore your inner victim."

The author suggest's I make a gratitude list (sounds like an Oprah line!), and I know it is beneficial. My list is two pages front and back! Can you imagine??? I call it my 'blessings' list, for when I focus on what God has blessed me with, instead of the negative expectations, it becomes clear that He and He alone supplies my needs according to His riches in glory....I need not manipulate others for them. I hereby confess, and reject my victim mentality of living in the past, self-pity, resentment, blaming, and taking and expecting more than I was willing to give.

My tears now are tears of hope. Hope that I can make amends where amends are due, give where giving is needed, and love that reaches out without thinking what it will cost me. Can I now ask for forgiveness and extend my heart of love to each one of my precious family members and the friends who have so faithfully stood by me through this season of my gigantic pity party! These are good tears, because I know in my heart you will receive my words with compassion and love. I love you all!