CHANGE.....

The decision came quickly after months, maybe even years, of contemplation. The weak morning light had just begun to slip through my window as I turned to swing my feet to the floor from my warm bed. I lingered on the edge of my bed, sensing that my soul had a calmness on this very early day, that I hadn't felt in a long time. "Lord, I'm going to move aren't I?" Yes, was the answer felt deep within. I suppose I should start from the beginning shouldn't I? It isn't as simple as it appears by my words, for I had been praying for months regarding this. My Minnesota life of the past 16 years had been full of monumental events. The joy of births, being with my girls, watching my grands grow, establishing a home to love, new friendships, great jobs, but the dividing event for me was the death of my husband. From that moment on, my life changed, my 'new normal' began and I just couldn't settle in. Nothing felt like home, nothing or no one could fill that void. Let me explain. Death is so final. There are no tomorrow's, there are no future planned dreams, no growing old together, no companionship, no partner to bounce things off of, no one to share thoughts or intimate moments that no one else would understand. I was lost as only one who has experienced a spouse's death could be. The deep grief eventually passed and I began to climb out of that darkness into my new path lit by the Lord. I saw His provision of a friend who lost her husband one week before mine, of genuine church friends who, as much as they could, provided comfort, and the help and understanding of my daughters, and my son who called every week. But they were also challenged by their own grief. I embraced it all, I was grateful to all, I thanked my Lord for His presence, but still I was alone. It's amazing how one can hide their emptiness behind a smile, by church activities, by volunteering, by attending the grands sports events, by joining things, simply trying to make sense of life through busyness. It helped, and I truly felt blessed, and yet I was still alone. March 7, 2015 I never did finish that blog. I abruptly stopped because I remembered something my kids said to me about my writings...."they're depressing!" As I read back through this, I saw their point! However, I also have a point! This is my blog, my thoughts, my feelings, my experiences, my emotions....my life. If what I write depresses anyone I have a solution! Click off! Having said that, I shall continue. Yes, I did move...back "home" to Washington State. Nearly one year now. This time I chose to go back to where it all began, and by that I mean my married life, the birth of two of my children and warmth! My third child was born in Spokane....not so warm! It was a bittersweet move. My prayers for clarity had been answered. My home sold barely one day on the market. A new home purchased over the internet with the help of my sister and son who dutifully examined the possibilities. They chose it, I accepted their choice and have been enjoying my somewhat compact, comfortable townhome since then. I simply trusted God that He would make it my home and He did! My adjustment did not come that easily. Does it ever, when a major lifestyle change happens? The summer was wonderful though! Hot but not humid, blue cloudless skies, bike riding, enjoying my sis, visits from my brother and sis in law, son Jon just a few hours upstate allowing me to spend time with my granddaughter that had been limited to a few visits a year. Many friends from high school came visiting, I spent time searching for a new church home and found one! I hopped a plane in October to return to Minnesota to watch grand Luke play in his final year of football and cannot begin to tell you the pride that filled my heart. How did this chubby cheeked little joy become this tall, muscular, physical young man in such a short while! My eyes were opened that night. Time does move on, more rapidly as I age, but not without leaving behind the most precious memories that I hold closely to me now. I had been carrying on my shoulders the guilt of moving away from all of them, especially Finn, who got short changed from years with grandma, but as I visited and enjoyed spending time with each grand those October days, I realized their lives were opening up to them...how prideful of me to think they needed me to guide their journey. Selfish in fact. We had our time, we played, we loved, we cried, we filled important roles in each others lives...we were blessed. This won't end simply because there are miles between us. I know they will stop and remember me through the years, and all that we shared. That can never be lost. As for Finn...plans will be made to make sure he spends time with grandma that's for sure! It will be precious time, yes, until he too opens that door to independence and grandma is no longer needed as much. The circle of life? Yes, but a circle holds so much! I have a new life here. It's becoming a part of me as time goes by. The crippling sense of guilt for leaving those friends and family I loved, has been replaced with happiness and joy to be opening up a whole new journey here with my son and family, not to mention my sis, bro and so many that helped shape my life in the past. My 8 yr old grand, Dakota has given me so much pleasure! Her expressions of love by her colored pictures, her giggles, her hugs, her Facetimes....her tears when she has to leave, all speak to my heart. Yes, I am 'home' now. God willing I will have many years to establish friendships, continue to embrace my family both here and in Minnesota and just to thank God for blessing me with the memories. I heard it said that eventually our children, our grands just don't need us any longer. I beg to differ. They may not need us physically but they will always need our memories. And as I grow older and life has given me all it can, I can sit in my chair and fill my heart with those memories that will still put a smile on my face and a warmth in my soul.