I Wonder Why....

I'm a widow. I loved my husband and grieved what seemed like forever at my loss, but I was not the only one with a broken heart. Watching the pain in the eyes of my children and grandchildren, stirred such sorrow deep within, that at times I felt I could no longer go on. Why was I the one left behind when it was he who brought such love and joy to their lives? How could I ever live up to the myriads of memories that swept over them when we would speak his name, talk about something he did or viewed photos from the past? The sighs, the tears, the "I wishes" that were spoken as they placed him on the pedestal that he so deserved. Do memories make hero's? Like any other father, Dennis made his mistakes, ...both through actions and omissions, but because of his tremendous love, they were all but forgotten, as well they should be. Again I wonder...why was I the one left behind?
A mother and grandmother have their places in the hearts of their children and grandchildren, but a father and grandpa not only fill their hearts, but they are overflowing with so much more than what can be spoken or shown. Oh yes, I was available to just 'be' there when needed, the usual babysitting, diaper changing, mending, lending an ear or giving advice when needed, (not always received!), but when a dad or grandpa does or speaks, well, that becomes a whole different connotation. He was a quiet man, but when he spoke people listened and that meant his children and grands also. It was a gift that even he didn't realize he had. They say opposites attract? Oh yes! You need only look at our lives and see that! We each had a special place in our kids and grands hearts, but the love of a grandpa who was a mentor, fixer, advisor, and a giver of joy far outweighed anything I could give. And that was perfectly ok by me! To sit back and watch how he affected their lives gave me such pride. Yes, I still ponder in my heart why him instead of me.
Why all of a sudden must I write about such things? I think with the graduation of our first granddaughter, the emotions came back to the surface. Dennis' heart and soul came to surface when she was born and with each new grandchild it only became more apparent. I sat in that auditorium and when Pomp and Circumstance began to play as the class filed in, my heart cried with the absence of him who loved her so fully and would have been so overwhelmed and proud. I cried for Hannah's loss, but also with happiness that she had him for some of the most wonderful years of her life.
Oh yes, I wish he were still here filling in those precious years for his children and grands, but he isn't. I pray they remember him forever with love and gratitude. I know they will, as I witness the wonderful loving words they write of him on Father's Day and other moments when the heart overflows with memories. I only hope I can add some joy and love to their lives even if it cannot be as it were with him. Sometimes I just want to apologize for not being the first to leave, and yes, I do wonder why......

I'm Home

The stillness of the morning brought a sense of peace. The pond was a reflection pool with various shades of green from the nearby trees and bushes that surrounded it and made it a safe haven for the multitude of wildlife that casually tip toed to it's edge for a quick drink. I sat in the silence allowing it to gently wrap it's touch around me. I'm home. Perhaps not the last place I will reside, as the years and the Lord only hold that secret, but for now I feel settled, secure and grateful. It was a long, emotional journey from beginning to now, but as I've repeated 100's of times, well worth the wait. What has it taught me? That I wasted my energy worrying, ranting, loosing sleep and all that goes with distrust, instead of stepping back and letting my Lord handle the burden. Oh, He prodded me several times and brought me back to His presence, but I would slip back into human nature and find myself in turmoil once again until His Holy Spirit would whisper..."leave it to me." Finally, I rested in Him and began to repeat, 'it is what it is, and the Lord who created the universe can surely handle this tiny piece of humanity without my intervention!' Sweet release! We create our own confusion, but I guess we need to go through it to see the futility of our anxiousness. Let go and let God, is more than a nice saying, ...it should resonate through our lives, truly giving Him all the glory. I rested my head on the back of the patio chair, staring into an infinite sky, so blue beyond description that it's vastness nearly overwhelms. Here am I, a tiny speck in the scheme of things, yet knowing that He loves and cares for me as if I'm the only one. How does one say thank you to that? How does one even comprehend that? Yet I know it to be true, and my heart sings along with the chorus of birds that have begun their morning concert. His eye is on the sparrow...and I KNOW He watches me! Thus begins another chapter in my life. I pray God's richest blessings on my home, on the family and friends who enter in and on all that He allows to be placed before me on this perhaps the last home I will have. I will cherish His gift, His care, protection and love. I've entered this portion of life alone, but not really...His presence allows me to walk in confidence knowing He IS in control and He WIll provide all my needs according to His riches in glory....yes, I'm home, and all glory goes to my Lord and Savior.

I'm Home