I'm a widow. I loved my husband and grieved what seemed like forever at my loss, but I was not the only one with a broken heart. Watching the pain in the eyes of my children and grandchildren, stirred such sorrow deep within, that at times I felt I could no longer go on. Why was I the one left behind when it was he who brought such love and joy to their lives? How could I ever live up to the myriads of memories that swept over them when we would speak his name, talk about something he did or viewed photos from the past? The sighs, the tears, the "I wishes" that were spoken as they placed him on the pedestal that he so deserved. Do memories make hero's? Like any other father, Dennis made his mistakes, ...both through actions and omissions, but because of his tremendous love, they were all but forgotten, as well they should be. Again I wonder...why was I the one left behind?
A mother and grandmother have their places in the hearts of their children and grandchildren, but a father and grandpa not only fill their hearts, but they are overflowing with so much more than what can be spoken or shown. Oh yes, I was available to just 'be' there when needed, the usual babysitting, diaper changing, mending, lending an ear or giving advice when needed, (not always received!), but when a dad or grandpa does or speaks, well, that becomes a whole different connotation. He was a quiet man, but when he spoke people listened and that meant his children and grands also. It was a gift that even he didn't realize he had. They say opposites attract? Oh yes! You need only look at our lives and see that! We each had a special place in our kids and grands hearts, but the love of a grandpa who was a mentor, fixer, advisor, and a giver of joy far outweighed anything I could give. And that was perfectly ok by me! To sit back and watch how he affected their lives gave me such pride. Yes, I still ponder in my heart why him instead of me.
Why all of a sudden must I write about such things? I think with the graduation of our first granddaughter, the emotions came back to the surface. Dennis' heart and soul came to surface when she was born and with each new grandchild it only became more apparent. I sat in that auditorium and when Pomp and Circumstance began to play as the class filed in, my heart cried with the absence of him who loved her so fully and would have been so overwhelmed and proud. I cried for Hannah's loss, but also with happiness that she had him for some of the most wonderful years of her life.
Oh yes, I wish he were still here filling in those precious years for his children and grands, but he isn't. I pray they remember him forever with love and gratitude. I know they will, as I witness the wonderful loving words they write of him on Father's Day and other moments when the heart overflows with memories. I only hope I can add some joy and love to their lives even if it cannot be as it were with him. Sometimes I just want to apologize for not being the first to leave, and yes, I do wonder why......
Friday, June 22, 2012
Monday, June 4, 2012
I'm Home
The stillness of the morning brought a sense of peace. The pond was a reflection pool with various shades of green from the nearby trees and bushes that surrounded it and made it a safe haven for the multitude of wildlife that casually tip toed to it's edge for a quick drink. I sat in the silence allowing it to gently wrap it's touch around me. I'm home. Perhaps not the last place I will reside, as the years and the Lord only hold that secret, but for now I feel settled, secure and grateful.
It was a long, emotional journey from beginning to now, but as I've repeated 100's of times, well worth the wait. What has it taught me? That I wasted my energy worrying, ranting, loosing sleep and all that goes with distrust, instead of stepping back and letting my Lord handle the burden. Oh, He prodded me several times and brought me back to His presence, but I would slip back into human nature and find myself in turmoil once again until His Holy Spirit would whisper..."leave it to me." Finally, I rested in Him and began to repeat, 'it is what it is, and the Lord who created the universe can surely handle this tiny piece of humanity without my intervention!' Sweet release! We create our own confusion, but I guess we need to go through it to see the futility of our anxiousness. Let go and let God, is more than a nice saying, ...it should resonate through our lives, truly giving Him all the glory.
I rested my head on the back of the patio chair, staring into an infinite sky, so blue beyond description that it's vastness nearly overwhelms. Here am I, a tiny speck in the scheme of things, yet knowing that He loves and cares for me as if I'm the only one. How does one say thank you to that? How does one even comprehend that? Yet I know it to be true, and my heart sings along with the chorus of birds that have begun their morning concert. His eye is on the sparrow...and I KNOW He watches me!
Thus begins another chapter in my life. I pray God's richest blessings on my home, on the family and friends who enter in and on all that He allows to be placed before me on this perhaps the last home I will have. I will cherish His gift, His care, protection and love. I've entered this portion of life alone, but not really...His presence allows me to walk in confidence knowing He IS in control and He WIll provide all my needs according to His riches in glory....yes, I'm home, and all glory goes to my Lord and Savior.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
The Right Timing...
It's a gray, rainy morning and the clock reads 10:05. I'm still in my nightshirt. I'm in no hurry to proceed with the day. Sitting with my steaming, vanilla flavored cup of coffee and my thoughts, I find no urgency to move. I have lots to ponder this glorious, dreary, misty day. Has it finally, for real, honestly happened this time? The message light was blinking when I came home last night and the message caused my heart to skip a beat, my legs to weaken and my soul to cry out with thanks to God. My home has sold,...it will soon belong to someone else. I owe it to myself to sit and soak this information in, to give thanks to my Heavenly Father who knows precisely the right timing for everything and who has taught me once again to rest in His way and not my own. Oh yes, I wrestled with impatience, fear of the unknown, inadequacy in handling a home sale alone,..just starting a new phase in my life caused anxieties, but He provided everything I needed to go through this smoothly and quickly. The young couple loved my house but had several doubts which brought about doubled inspections, multiple visits and requests for additional things to be left behind. This I gladly agreed too, for you see, it is time for me to move on, to establish a new life..or as we widow's call it, 'a new normal.'
Fourteen years ago, my husband and I stepped into this house and began to make it a home. As empty nester's, it was a good fit with it's unique layout, huge backyard, areas for parking boats, campers etc., but we didn't stop there! Many, many upgrades were made, which made life easier with the arrival of several new grandchildren throughout the years, and the need to have space for them to be kids! That's what we were all about in those days...the grands! My first grandchild was Hannah...she recently turned 18 and while I was searching for photo's of her and grandpa to post on FB, I, of course, ended up sitting for hours going through hundreds and hundreds of pictures. This took me on a journey through the past 14 years and beyond...a journey that brought laughter, joy and tears. I settled in surrounded by memories, recalling each with unexpected emotions,..allowing myself to drift back in time to special moments, birthdays, backyard fun, holidays, just being together times....enjoying life. These things I leave behind, but the memories go with me. This home has served me well, and with it the bittersweet thought that my husband passed away during these years and will not be embarking on this new journey with me. I know he is proud of me for setting my course in a new direction, for I feel his approval and I know he is smiling that beautiful smile in heaven while awaiting that great reunion! I love you Dennis, and my heart is full of gratefulness for a life filled with love and so many good things while journeying our life together. Your absence has caused a mighty emptiness within me.
So begins the packing. Not just 'things', but memories. I will sort, examine what needs to go, what needs to be thrown or given away and all the while feeling a tad bit of guilt for having to make those decisions. But 'things' aren't what make me, memories are, and I will always hold them close, remember with a smile and forever carry the love in my heart. Yes, this indeed was our home,...a home made for my husband and I, for my kids to come and feel welcomed and a place for my grands to remember their very young years, hopefully filled with happiness and good times. You, my home, have served me well, but I must move on....it's just 'the right timing.'
Saturday, January 14, 2012
It's Really Funny..(If it didn't hurt so much!)
And so the other day the doctor said, "hang in there for six months and the pain and limping should be gone!" Okey, dokey then,...only three months to go! I have to find the humor in this somewhere, otherwise the nasties set in and those pests are way to hard to get rid of!
The knee pain began mid-summer. Come on Claudia, you can handle a bit of knee pain you sissy! (mind speaking to body part!) Not being one to give in to a little discomfort, I heartily agreed, and proceeded to try and ignore said pain. It was a little embarassing at times, like walking down the grocery aisle, or shopping for unneeded items at the local TJMaxx, when suddenly it would fold and I'd madly grab for the nearest solid item, therefore alleviating a meeting with the floor! I met many grumpy people that way...obviously not appreciating my strangle hold on their arms!
Biking was out! Too hot pedaling anyhow! Dropped out of tennis...no one wants a partner who's dragging a limb behind her, although I gave it a valiant effort! Now golf was another story...except when teeing off! If exercising the proper swing, I would end up on that knee and promptly find myself doubling over, but in the direction of the next hole, which wasn't so bad was it? Hobbling to the next green, holding up the foursome, I eventually gave in to peer pressure and gave up!
Ok, there go my summer sports activities, BUT, I still had my yard and garden to attend too and leaning on my newly acquired cane I figured this would be a piece of cake! Forget about the puzzled looks from uncaring neighbors...I could lean on that piece of carved wood and pull those weeds like no body's business...except of course when it was wet and hanging on to that thing meant nothing as it went zipping out from under me! I spent lots of time pretending to examine up close and personal, the flowers and the condition of the grass! Oh well, weeds have a place too, so I let them be!
Well now, I could still enjoy my grands sporting events, sans the jumping up and cheering part! Baseball went fine...then came football season. Love that game! Tough to just sit and not frantically jump up urging your grand to ruuuuuuuuuuuun! Yup, you guessed it! One such jump resulted in a pain that took my breath away! Said torn meniscus had now become completely ripped apart! Daughter Cami, (nurse), became a bit concerned when I tried to speak, breathe and move without success. "Should I call an ambulance, should I drive you home....what should I do?" Stubborness prevailed...she helped me get into my little red Escape and off I went towards home, thankful my driving leg was fine. The MRI that followed revealed known problem....and surgery was scheduled.
Following surgery, which by the way, was uneventful, easy, and I was able to successfully hobble out the surgery door with no assistance whatsoever, these words echoing in my ears..."you'll be riding that bike of yours in a few days with no problem!" Ok, here it is three months later, I have a 4 yr. old grandson that can now imitate my limp to a T, and is darn proud of it, and still no relief in sight! What gives? Well, that was answered this week with a followup MRI showing nothing more than a 'bone bleed'. BONE BLEED, I asked with elevated tone, what do you mean BONE BLEED!? With much confidence, and a stupid grin on her face, she replied, "nothing to worry about, it will heal on it's own in 3 to 6 months." Easy for her to say!
Ah, yes, it has been a journey (with a limp) to say the least! That, bundled with a back tumor removal, ovarian cancer removal with complete hysterectomy, it has really been a hoot! Not complaining mind you, (well a little!), it has given me time to reflect....yes, on my life, on my Christian growth, on my wonderful friendships and family, but mostly on the constant presence of my Lord, giving me strength to overcome, peace to rest in Him and the knowledge of His complete sovereignty in all things. Hey, what's a little limp as long as He's right there holding on! Gotta love it!
The knee pain began mid-summer. Come on Claudia, you can handle a bit of knee pain you sissy! (mind speaking to body part!) Not being one to give in to a little discomfort, I heartily agreed, and proceeded to try and ignore said pain. It was a little embarassing at times, like walking down the grocery aisle, or shopping for unneeded items at the local TJMaxx, when suddenly it would fold and I'd madly grab for the nearest solid item, therefore alleviating a meeting with the floor! I met many grumpy people that way...obviously not appreciating my strangle hold on their arms!
Biking was out! Too hot pedaling anyhow! Dropped out of tennis...no one wants a partner who's dragging a limb behind her, although I gave it a valiant effort! Now golf was another story...except when teeing off! If exercising the proper swing, I would end up on that knee and promptly find myself doubling over, but in the direction of the next hole, which wasn't so bad was it? Hobbling to the next green, holding up the foursome, I eventually gave in to peer pressure and gave up!
Ok, there go my summer sports activities, BUT, I still had my yard and garden to attend too and leaning on my newly acquired cane I figured this would be a piece of cake! Forget about the puzzled looks from uncaring neighbors...I could lean on that piece of carved wood and pull those weeds like no body's business...except of course when it was wet and hanging on to that thing meant nothing as it went zipping out from under me! I spent lots of time pretending to examine up close and personal, the flowers and the condition of the grass! Oh well, weeds have a place too, so I let them be!
Well now, I could still enjoy my grands sporting events, sans the jumping up and cheering part! Baseball went fine...then came football season. Love that game! Tough to just sit and not frantically jump up urging your grand to ruuuuuuuuuuuun! Yup, you guessed it! One such jump resulted in a pain that took my breath away! Said torn meniscus had now become completely ripped apart! Daughter Cami, (nurse), became a bit concerned when I tried to speak, breathe and move without success. "Should I call an ambulance, should I drive you home....what should I do?" Stubborness prevailed...she helped me get into my little red Escape and off I went towards home, thankful my driving leg was fine. The MRI that followed revealed known problem....and surgery was scheduled.
Following surgery, which by the way, was uneventful, easy, and I was able to successfully hobble out the surgery door with no assistance whatsoever, these words echoing in my ears..."you'll be riding that bike of yours in a few days with no problem!" Ok, here it is three months later, I have a 4 yr. old grandson that can now imitate my limp to a T, and is darn proud of it, and still no relief in sight! What gives? Well, that was answered this week with a followup MRI showing nothing more than a 'bone bleed'. BONE BLEED, I asked with elevated tone, what do you mean BONE BLEED!? With much confidence, and a stupid grin on her face, she replied, "nothing to worry about, it will heal on it's own in 3 to 6 months." Easy for her to say!
Ah, yes, it has been a journey (with a limp) to say the least! That, bundled with a back tumor removal, ovarian cancer removal with complete hysterectomy, it has really been a hoot! Not complaining mind you, (well a little!), it has given me time to reflect....yes, on my life, on my Christian growth, on my wonderful friendships and family, but mostly on the constant presence of my Lord, giving me strength to overcome, peace to rest in Him and the knowledge of His complete sovereignty in all things. Hey, what's a little limp as long as He's right there holding on! Gotta love it!
Thursday, December 29, 2011
I SAID.....I MEANT...LESSONS LEARNED
Life is full of valuable lessons. Some we learn along the way, others take a little while longer in retrospect. After my husband passed away and I entered that dark period of grieving, I learned how to help others go through that darkness, basically because of how others treated me in that process. Valuable lessons of do's and don'ts which I never would have learned had I not traveled that path. Some positive, some negative...but lessons regardless.
Recently I entered another period of life that have caused me to open up to even more valuable lessons. Beginning in September, 2011 a series of unexpected surgeries happened. Large basel cell surgery removal, requiring 37 stitches and the inability to bend, twist, reach, sit comfortably, rise without pain,...well you get the picture. No sooner did I recover from that, the knee which had given me untold pain from an earlier injury, a torn meniscus, ended up needing surgery. Great expectations for complete relief have not materialized and I remain in a good deal of pain. Well, God must have some lessons of His own to teach me, because I was then given a large benign uterine mass that required a complete hysterectomy which revealed a strange little secondary tumor that indicated the possibility of cancer. That little tumor took a trip to Mayo clinic for diagnosis...just a precursor to possible future cancer's...no big deal..just followup appointments to keep a handle on things! All of the above are inconveniences in life, to say the least, but can certainly be used for good. Each experience gave me time to think, to ponder on God's reasoning...to just let go and let God show me. I learned dependence on Him, I learned He never leaves me, I learned He is my strength, I learned I can trust Him above any other, I learned of His unconditional love for me, even when I questioned. On the other side, I should have learned to swallow my pride and let others do for me as they asked. I learned that I allowed them to miss the blessing of helping me, and I learned that in being prideful I only hurt myself. Oh yes, a few faithful friends from church provided some meals...how wonderful that was! I pridefully stopped them after several delivered meals, thinking I could do it myself. How silly of me! Pride and independence are hateful little things! They cause us to look to ourselves instead of allowing God to work through others!
WHAT THEY SAID: How are you?
WHAT I SAID: Fine
WHAT I MEANT: In some pain, but sure would enjoy a little company.
WHAT THEY SAID: How can I help?
WHAT I SAID: I can handle it
WHAT I MEANT: Could you come and see what needs attention, that sure
would be helpful!
WHAT THEY SAID: Can I bring a warm meal?
WHAT I SAID: I'm ok
WHAT I MEANT: Oh, that would be nice...I can fix a meal but I get so tired!
WHAT THEY SAID: I can drive you to your appointment.
WHAT I SAID: I can manage
WHAT I MEANT: Thanks! It's so uncomfortable driving right now.
WHAT THEY SAID: I know that oncologist appointment will be hard, can I come with you?
WHAT I SAID: It's no big deal, thanks anyhow.
WHAT I MEANT: I'm so frightened at what I may hear, your company would give me great comfort!
Yes, pride is ugly. I missed out on so many blessings from others! When a friend reaches out a hand, take it! Independence is a lonely path, it does not allow others to give a blessing. Yes, I have learned, perhaps a little late, but nonetheless learned, when others request permission to enter my life during times of need, I need to grant that permission! Friends and family are God's special angels, sent to walk with us in our time of need...allow God to use them! It will make the journey so much easier!
Recently I entered another period of life that have caused me to open up to even more valuable lessons. Beginning in September, 2011 a series of unexpected surgeries happened. Large basel cell surgery removal, requiring 37 stitches and the inability to bend, twist, reach, sit comfortably, rise without pain,...well you get the picture. No sooner did I recover from that, the knee which had given me untold pain from an earlier injury, a torn meniscus, ended up needing surgery. Great expectations for complete relief have not materialized and I remain in a good deal of pain. Well, God must have some lessons of His own to teach me, because I was then given a large benign uterine mass that required a complete hysterectomy which revealed a strange little secondary tumor that indicated the possibility of cancer. That little tumor took a trip to Mayo clinic for diagnosis...just a precursor to possible future cancer's...no big deal..just followup appointments to keep a handle on things! All of the above are inconveniences in life, to say the least, but can certainly be used for good. Each experience gave me time to think, to ponder on God's reasoning...to just let go and let God show me. I learned dependence on Him, I learned He never leaves me, I learned He is my strength, I learned I can trust Him above any other, I learned of His unconditional love for me, even when I questioned. On the other side, I should have learned to swallow my pride and let others do for me as they asked. I learned that I allowed them to miss the blessing of helping me, and I learned that in being prideful I only hurt myself. Oh yes, a few faithful friends from church provided some meals...how wonderful that was! I pridefully stopped them after several delivered meals, thinking I could do it myself. How silly of me! Pride and independence are hateful little things! They cause us to look to ourselves instead of allowing God to work through others!
WHAT THEY SAID: How are you?
WHAT I SAID: Fine
WHAT I MEANT: In some pain, but sure would enjoy a little company.
WHAT THEY SAID: How can I help?
WHAT I SAID: I can handle it
WHAT I MEANT: Could you come and see what needs attention, that sure
would be helpful!
WHAT THEY SAID: Can I bring a warm meal?
WHAT I SAID: I'm ok
WHAT I MEANT: Oh, that would be nice...I can fix a meal but I get so tired!
WHAT THEY SAID: I can drive you to your appointment.
WHAT I SAID: I can manage
WHAT I MEANT: Thanks! It's so uncomfortable driving right now.
WHAT THEY SAID: I know that oncologist appointment will be hard, can I come with you?
WHAT I SAID: It's no big deal, thanks anyhow.
WHAT I MEANT: I'm so frightened at what I may hear, your company would give me great comfort!
Yes, pride is ugly. I missed out on so many blessings from others! When a friend reaches out a hand, take it! Independence is a lonely path, it does not allow others to give a blessing. Yes, I have learned, perhaps a little late, but nonetheless learned, when others request permission to enter my life during times of need, I need to grant that permission! Friends and family are God's special angels, sent to walk with us in our time of need...allow God to use them! It will make the journey so much easier!
Saturday, December 10, 2011
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