"Things Change"....Buckle Up!

And boy do they!  Change, that is....so quickly!  I moved back home to Washington with complete confidence that going home was my final lifetime move.  Not so fast!  Two and one half years later, I began to feel a stirring.  OK Lord, what's going on ?  I was determined to give my new life there time and proper adjustment.  Longing for purpose I naturally got involved in my new church and enjoyed the groups I contributed too,  the neighborhood Bible study I established, the gospel teaching of our pastors, and volunteering at the local cancer center.  My son and family came as often as they could, my sis and I enjoyed occasional biking and a few odd ventures, and my brother and wife visited often.  Then why was I feeling so disconnected?  I found myself shamelessly inviting myself to be included in others lunches, ventures etc....I guess you might say, I just wanted to be included in establishing meaningful friendships.  Why was it so hard to establish friendships?  I know now, and understand that age, already established friendships, and the fact you really can't go home again, all contribute to it.   Oh yes, I had dozens of acquaintances but with the exception of an old (not old, old) but a neighbor from years ago in Spokane who just happened to be living there, I did not,...connect.  She was a dear and tried her darndest to find time for me.  Her life was so full at times I felt like I was intruding in it!  She will be missed as I hope she misses me.

And then there was Shirley.  My 83 yr old neighbor!  What a darling!  My move to Washington was fulfilled in that one dear soul.  If for no other reason I moved there, it was for her. 
One day she came knocking on my door with a question that only the Lord could have placed on her heart.  "Can you tell me more about why it is so important to get to know Jesus?"  She explained that she had listened to me speak of Jesus and His influence in my life several times during our conversations, and she had no idea of what I was speaking.  My heart nearly exploded!  "Lord please give me the words to clearly explain Your love for her and how You willingly died even for her."  I invited her in and she listened intently as I went through the gospel story.  Jesus touched her heart, she invited Him in and with a complete humble heart asked if she could join my Bible study so she could learn more of this Jesus who was now residing in her heart.  Oh what joy to watch her learn and grow in the Lord!  Thank you Lord for using me as Your instrument to introduce this one who had never heard the Good News of Jesus.  This appointed moment showed me that even when I felt like an outsider, God used me in the most important thing in life...introducing another to Him.

I imagine I could have stayed but life has a way of moving us on.  Why?  I have yet to totally understand that.  Loneliness does funny things.    I'm grateful for the time spent with my dear family back there and I purpose to visit often. My time there was productive and I know He used me in wonderful ways, so I do not regret giving it a try.   Once again my heart aches for those I left, but it is also full of happiness to be back in Minnesota again.  Things have changed here also, as expected.  Time does that your know.  People change, circumstances change, but I know the Lord will open new doors if I simply allow Him to do His work in me.  Just to know I have family close by, relationships to reestablish, and to feel the excitement of waiting to see how things unfold.  Who knows what the future will bring..  Right now I expect to finish life here, but God may have different plans.  I'm just gonna buckle up for the ride!

CHANGE.....

The decision came quickly after months, maybe even years, of contemplation. The weak morning light had just begun to slip through my window as I turned to swing my feet to the floor from my warm bed. I lingered on the edge of my bed, sensing that my soul had a calmness on this very early day, that I hadn't felt in a long time. "Lord, I'm going to move aren't I?" Yes, was the answer felt deep within. I suppose I should start from the beginning shouldn't I? It isn't as simple as it appears by my words, for I had been praying for months regarding this. My Minnesota life of the past 16 years had been full of monumental events. The joy of births, being with my girls, watching my grands grow, establishing a home to love, new friendships, great jobs, but the dividing event for me was the death of my husband. From that moment on, my life changed, my 'new normal' began and I just couldn't settle in. Nothing felt like home, nothing or no one could fill that void. Let me explain. Death is so final. There are no tomorrow's, there are no future planned dreams, no growing old together, no companionship, no partner to bounce things off of, no one to share thoughts or intimate moments that no one else would understand. I was lost as only one who has experienced a spouse's death could be. The deep grief eventually passed and I began to climb out of that darkness into my new path lit by the Lord. I saw His provision of a friend who lost her husband one week before mine, of genuine church friends who, as much as they could, provided comfort, and the help and understanding of my daughters, and my son who called every week. But they were also challenged by their own grief. I embraced it all, I was grateful to all, I thanked my Lord for His presence, but still I was alone. It's amazing how one can hide their emptiness behind a smile, by church activities, by volunteering, by attending the grands sports events, by joining things, simply trying to make sense of life through busyness. It helped, and I truly felt blessed, and yet I was still alone. March 7, 2015 I never did finish that blog. I abruptly stopped because I remembered something my kids said to me about my writings...."they're depressing!" As I read back through this, I saw their point! However, I also have a point! This is my blog, my thoughts, my feelings, my experiences, my emotions....my life. If what I write depresses anyone I have a solution! Click off! Having said that, I shall continue. Yes, I did move...back "home" to Washington State. Nearly one year now. This time I chose to go back to where it all began, and by that I mean my married life, the birth of two of my children and warmth! My third child was born in Spokane....not so warm! It was a bittersweet move. My prayers for clarity had been answered. My home sold barely one day on the market. A new home purchased over the internet with the help of my sister and son who dutifully examined the possibilities. They chose it, I accepted their choice and have been enjoying my somewhat compact, comfortable townhome since then. I simply trusted God that He would make it my home and He did! My adjustment did not come that easily. Does it ever, when a major lifestyle change happens? The summer was wonderful though! Hot but not humid, blue cloudless skies, bike riding, enjoying my sis, visits from my brother and sis in law, son Jon just a few hours upstate allowing me to spend time with my granddaughter that had been limited to a few visits a year. Many friends from high school came visiting, I spent time searching for a new church home and found one! I hopped a plane in October to return to Minnesota to watch grand Luke play in his final year of football and cannot begin to tell you the pride that filled my heart. How did this chubby cheeked little joy become this tall, muscular, physical young man in such a short while! My eyes were opened that night. Time does move on, more rapidly as I age, but not without leaving behind the most precious memories that I hold closely to me now. I had been carrying on my shoulders the guilt of moving away from all of them, especially Finn, who got short changed from years with grandma, but as I visited and enjoyed spending time with each grand those October days, I realized their lives were opening up to them...how prideful of me to think they needed me to guide their journey. Selfish in fact. We had our time, we played, we loved, we cried, we filled important roles in each others lives...we were blessed. This won't end simply because there are miles between us. I know they will stop and remember me through the years, and all that we shared. That can never be lost. As for Finn...plans will be made to make sure he spends time with grandma that's for sure! It will be precious time, yes, until he too opens that door to independence and grandma is no longer needed as much. The circle of life? Yes, but a circle holds so much! I have a new life here. It's becoming a part of me as time goes by. The crippling sense of guilt for leaving those friends and family I loved, has been replaced with happiness and joy to be opening up a whole new journey here with my son and family, not to mention my sis, bro and so many that helped shape my life in the past. My 8 yr old grand, Dakota has given me so much pleasure! Her expressions of love by her colored pictures, her giggles, her hugs, her Facetimes....her tears when she has to leave, all speak to my heart. Yes, I am 'home' now. God willing I will have many years to establish friendships, continue to embrace my family both here and in Minnesota and just to thank God for blessing me with the memories. I heard it said that eventually our children, our grands just don't need us any longer. I beg to differ. They may not need us physically but they will always need our memories. And as I grow older and life has given me all it can, I can sit in my chair and fill my heart with those memories that will still put a smile on my face and a warmth in my soul.

CHRISTMAS..I REMEMBER ...

As dawn slowly opened the new day, like a shade being gently raised, I sat in my chair in an overly quiet room, both hands cupping my warm mug of coffee, while watching the barely visible falling snowflakes come down. It reminded me of memories. Last night there was an exchange of thoughts on Facebook that gave me an unsettled feeling about the Christmas season we celebrate now as compared to the 'then' in my life. Sensibly I know things have changed, but emotionally I want to hold on to old traditions. Therein lies the anxiety. The today theory of 'keeping it simple' makes sense in this activity driven society, but the age old practice of keeping tradition in Christmas tugs at my heart. Oh, we don't have to sparkle and shine, place do-dads throughout every visible surface, but neither should we plunk a pre-lit tree down and call it good! Instead of making it a chore, let's make it a time of reflection. If you are a young married couple, begin to make those traditions, begin to determine to transition into making memories through the years. If you are a middle aged couple living a stressful life full of responsibility toward family and employment, stop the madness for a moment and just enjoy the beauty of the season. Help your children to remember the reason for all the preparation. We buy the gifts for one another to commemorate the one true gift God gave us through His Son Jesus. We decorate the tree in remembrance of this, a special place to sit and contemplate the many blessings from above. Through the years my daughters and I have exchanged tree ornaments. A simple thing, but as I place each one on the tree an extraordinary thing happens....my heart remembers. I smile, I cry, ....I remember. It's not just a tree, it's a memory and I cherish each memory held close to my heart. Last night, unable to sleep, I crept out to the living room, plugged in the tree lights, wrapped up in a blanket and began a journey back in time to memories that bring warmth and happiness to my soul. Our early married life was a time of want, as most young marrieds will atest too. My mom gave me some of her old Christmas ornaments and a few odds and ends to set about our very small basement apartment. I kept those things for many many years even when we could afford to start making our own way. She wanted us to start making our own traditions and memories, just as I hoped mine would also. We did. The one tradition that went on for years was the annual trek to chop down our own Christmas tree. I would pack a lunch, pour hot cocoa into the huge thermos, make sure the cookie bag was full for snacks, dress the kids like eskimos and head up to the mountains outside of Spokane. Many times what we deemed to be the 'perfect' tree turned out to be a replica of a Charlie Brown tree when set up at home, but who cared! It was in the making of a memory that counted..the special togetherness, that marvelous taste of warm cocoa going down into a very cold body after tromping through the snow for what seemed like hours! The drive home always ended the same....a huddled mass of my children's bodies, crumpled together in exhausted sleep while Dennis and I silently sat with that peaceful feeling that all was right with the world at that exact moment. Those were good days, memory making days...traditions in the making. But those days end, yes, teen years arrive and the aloofness that comes with it! Nonetheless, Christmas becomes very much the responsibility of the mother. She sets the tone, she decorates, she bakes, she shops, she keeps joy in her heart rather than resentment for non participation of said teens! I,as many mothers went through that stage. But guess what! One day they begin to remember the memories, the warmth of the decorated house, the smell of baking, the specialness of Christmas...and then they wish to start their own memory making. I saw that in my own children and felt the pleasure of their joy. I still believe in Christmas, I still want them to embrace it, to take the time to slow down, remember, smile, cry and have the desire to pass it all down. I am alone now. It is I who bring the boxes down, who places the tree and finishes it. It is I who still pre-heats the oven to receive the homemade cookies and breads. It is I who still loves the traditions of Christmas, the memories, the reason, the whole Christmas package! But it really isn't just "I"...for "I" comes with a full heart, a grateful heart for having made those memories that still remain deeply within me. No, I am not alone. I have it all packed away deep within, and that fills my life to the very top!

LIVING A GROUNDHOG DAY?...

My feet hit the floor this morning at precisely 7:04. Felt good to sleep in! After the common morning doings, I turned on the bathroom sink faucet for the cat's routine drink fix. (Darn cat won't drink from a bowl!) Grabbing my warm, fleecy robe, wrapping it tightly around me, stepping into my well worn slippers, I walked into the living room, flipped on the fireplace, clicked on the lamp and padded to the kitchen to perk up some essential go get 'em coffee. Automatically my hand reached for the accustomed banana. I stood leaning against the cupboard quietly nibbling on said banana. It started as a little chuckled snort, expanded to a tiny laugh and exploded into uproarious laughter! Good grief! I'm a living groundhog day! Is this what living alone has come to? Simplistic routine with the occasional break when I have to be somewhere in the morning? Someone once told me that as we age, routine becomes part of our identification. Break that routine and life becomes disorganized and fills us with annoyance! I saw that in my grandparents, my parents and even some single or widowed friends, but oh Lord, please don't let that happen to me! But often what we don't realize is that sometimes what we don't want, we get. Just so happens that 'routine' snuck up on me like extra pounds so my jeans don't fit! I suppose routine gives a measure of control to our lives, but really, can I just NOT make my bed as soon as I arise? Can I brew a cup of tea instead of coffee? Can I cook up some brown sugar oatmeal instead of my usual banana and toast? Can I leave my hair a disheveled mess instead of grabbing the brush? Why shouldn't I sit around in my PJ's for awhile instead of jumping in the shower and slapping on some useless makeup? Oh Lord, help me to find the spontaneity in life that fills my life with unexpected joy! I don't want to be predictable and boring. I don't want to settle into a common routine. Yes, there is comfort in routine, but not to the point that my whole life would be upset if I didn't stick to it! Lord, thank you for this vision of my life that can only help me not become the old, crabby lady who falls apart if things aren't exactly in order! Help me to live life a little more loosely, laugh more, reach out more, love more, take more chances and to never give up hope. Does that carpet really need vacuuming today?

I AM A GRANDMA....

I AM A GRANDMA… Turning 70 jolted me! I mean, how did that happen? One day you’re a young woman having babies of your own and the next your grandchildren are nearly old enough to have babies! Heaven forbid that should be right now, but yes, that is a reality! I was married and pregnant at age 18 and in retrospect cannot fathom how we navigated those years without complete failure. Naïve, or should I just say, ignorant, regarding the nature of being a wife and mother, yet stubborn and willful enough to act as if I was in complete control, I fooled everyone…even myself! My unmarried sister used to give me her outdated magazines and from them I would feverishly glean information from their pages when there were articles regarding marriage and child rearing! Can you imagine? There must have been some good stuff in them because I raised three beautiful, well rounded successful children and managed to stay married for 47 years before he died! I must give some credit to my own mother, as many times I would remember how she handled raising 5 kids of her own on little or nothing, and try to emulate those things. Reaching back into memory, I would think of my own grandmothers insistence upon good manners, respect and a woman’s ‘duty’ to keep a clean house and a decent appearance. These were things she taught my mom and then she passed to me. I often wonder if my children remembered my actions and then in turn put them into practice. My son once said, ‘I want to raise my kids just like you and dad did’ so perhaps we did something right! As a grandparent now, I look at my grands with pride and deep joy! I worry, I celebrate, I enjoy, I participate, I pray. Life is different for them, even from when their parents were growing up and definitely from the ’olden days’ when I was growing up. Sometimes I feel so insignificant when it comes to sharing their lives but the Lord frequently reminds me that my most important role as a grandmother, is to actively pray for them. My ‘words of wisdom’ as my grand Hannah calls them, are important too, whether taken to heart or just packed away to be unfolded later, but to pray is my most powerful weapon against all the odds presented to them in this age of peculiar happenings. Yes, 70 did jolt me, but by the same token it gave me time to reflect on the importance of having the privilege to be called ‘grandma.’ I may not get enough time with them nor be as important as I’d like to be in their lives, but being on the sidelines cheering them on, smiling with pride and praying daily for them gives me the most important job on earth. Thank you Lord for that privilege! “Grandchildren are the crown of the aged.” Proverbs 17:6 “They (me) shall still bring forth fruit in old age!: Psalms 92:14

The "Day is Here"...

The day has come. I've been telling myself this is the day I officially become old, the day when the last season of life begins and I better pull up my big girl panties and deal with it! 70!! What????!! How can this be! My 'insides' feel 18, my mirror suggests otherwise...whom do I believe? The mirror. I awoke last nights sleep around 11:45pm, looked at the bright red digital numbers, counting the last minutes of being 69..wanting to stop the clock, reach back and pick a time when everything was so perfect, so day to day, never thinking this time of life would come so quickly. But here it is, wrinkles, gray, sags, bags, and such a profound reluctance to leave my youth. I've always told myself I would age gracefully, never trying to fool the world with vain procedures, but simply be thankful for the years I had been given, the memories that were formed, and the love that endured before he left me way too soon, leaving an empty space in my heart and life that will forever be there. Even if there is a 'someone' out there to walk these last paths by my side, that space will always be reserved for him. I still feel the same, to age gracefully that is, but the reality of time raised it's head and smiled as if to say..."it's time", time to simply begin to enjoy life, to raise grateful hands to God for all He has given me an all He still has in store for me. It's a bittersweet time, a time of sadness at what is done, yet joy for what is still out there. These could be years of negativity, always striving for that 'something' that never quite occurs, or it could be years of pure joy and happiness, casting my cares on the One who loves me and wants the best for me always. I choose to trust in that...to reign in those thoughts that try to take me captive and to constantly look up. Why waste these precious years. I have so very much to be thankful for, a marriage of 47 years, 3 beautiful children, 9 amazing grands, God's provision for my life in every season through sickness, adversity, separation, loneliness, but always experiencing His ever present love and guidance. Yes, it's my 70th birthday, yes, I'm a little sad, but no, I won't drown in self-pity, for I have far too much to look forward to! What does God have in store for me? I don't know, but I look forward to each new, beautiful day that He chooses to give me and to give thanks to the Lord...for He IS good! I wish I could reach out and hug each person who has ever crossed my path, adding that special something that only they could add, therefore making me the person I am today. A special touch from each one. Consider yourselves hugged and loved from the deepest part of my heart and soul...you have made my life complete, and I look forward to each blessed year ahead. We may never cross paths again in this journey, yet I take a part of each one of you with me....life is good!

ATTITUDE....

As it was pointed out to me by a nameless friend from Virginia, it has been awhile since I've blogged, but at least I have been consistant at being inconsistant! My intentions are pure, my actions slow, but I have no excuses. Yesterday, as a Mentor Mom at our Local MOPS group, I witnessed and was touched by an outstanding lady who spoke to the group with such conviction on how we as women should view ourselves. Not by Ourselves, Others or Occurrences but by how God see's us! We are His, He loves us, He died for us, so there is no greater love than this even though outside factors tend to beat away at our subconscious in ways that lend themselves to our poor self-esteem. When the evil one tries to pull us into that pit of lies girls, we need to look UP! No matter what we've done, said, neglected, felt or been done too, if we know Jesus as our Lord and Savior we are royalty and wear the crown of the King! Now that good news busts my buttons...how about you?!! Why do I feel the need to acknowledge this good news? Well, I've been guilty for a long time of self-pity, neglectfullness, and the worst, feeling unfullfilled expectations. This has resulted in misunderstandings, hurt feelings and alienation from family and some good friends. Damage that hopefully can be repaired with my determination to rectify and change these unfortunate things. I thank God I have a family member who loves to 'fix' things and came to me with a list of my negative actions that I was only remotely aware of. Expecting others to reach out to me, provide me with happiness, turn my loneliness into joy, seems to be the areas of concern. Yes, it is time I turn myself outward and deep six the expectations that are completely self-serving and begin to find the happiness in giving. Revelation lightens the soul! Because I have also been told some of my blogs are 'depressing' I must try to keep them on the lighter side, I, however, created this blog to express my feelings during some very difficult times so perhaps if they come across a little too deep, it is time to stop reading them. Just saying.....but thanks for putting up with my ups and downs and expressions, sometimes very personal in nature. I won't say it will never happen again, as this is my venue of expression...but I surely will try to be more upbeat ok? I really need to close with this quote I read today that I'm CERTAIN was written just for me! (LOL...more self serving!). "Be grateful simply for being alive. When you are grateful for life pure and simple, your life becomes one you can be grateful for. That may strike you as circular or even backward logic, but your attitude really does have an effect on how things work out. When you can't change your life any other way, you CAN still change your attitude! When you do, your life changes. You find more chances to love, and you will be surprised to see how much more love is returned to you. The next time some says, 'it's a lovely day' try saying "YES IT IS!". Today is always the best day of your life!" Blessings to those who love me warts and all and I ask forgiveness to those I've taken advantage of by expectations that should not have been required. Much gratitude to the one who loved me enough to share with me the shortcomings that dragged me down. You are loved! Sometimes silence is required, sometimes it is in the spoken word that brings healing and forgiveness.

Toby's Eyes...

We laugh at what excites emotion in us most, be it good or bad. We remember the experiences or events that have marked our minds the most: pets, childhood, poverty, parents, teachers, etc. In fact, funny is what saddens us the most. Reversed sadness. -Copied- That simple little sentence struck a remembrance cord with me this morning that made a soft laugh tumble out of my heart. Today my sister Patsy posted a comment by Billy Graham that made me smile and sent a rush of happiness throughout. "God will prepare everything for our perfect happiness in heaven, and if it takes my dog being there - I believe he'll be there." Yes..dogs can 'excite that emotion' in us that can turn our sadness into a hearty laugh. Toby did that for me and still does. Sixty plus years later I can still tear up at the thought of the time spent with that mongrel dog. Toby was nothing to look at...mostly a small brownish mixed breed with mangled coat and eyes that could melt the buttons off a snowman! It's the eyes I remember most. My mom told and retold the story of Toby saving me from an early death at age 3. Being as headstrong then as I am now, I took it into my head to walk to the little grocery store down the lane from our home. A major highway separated me from that desire. I remember Toby kept bumping into my legs as we approached the roadway, continuously looking up at me with I now imagine, pleading in his eyes. He would not let me cross. I gave up. Mom came frantically running down the dirt road, screaming, with terror in her eyes. Mom was not a hugger....she hugged me! Mom wasn't much of a dog lover...she changed her mind that day. Toby became a hero in our home that day. But, I suspect he was more of a hero to me than to the others. School days took my older brother and sister away, which left Toby and I to spend long days roaming the open fields, coercing my quiet friend Lanny to come out and play and generally doing a whole lot of nothing. Toby never left my side. Whether we made up games, built forts, played tag or simply lay on trampled down weeds to watch the clouds go by, Toby was there, ever the protector, always with watchful eyes. Sometimes I would just sit and stare into his eyes, whispering words that I truly believed he could understand. After all, he would blink those eyes, but never turn them away as if in deep understanding of my whispered words. He was my companion, my constant, my playmate...my heart. I don't like to think of the day Toby died. Even now I am tearing up at the remembrance of it. How could one, homely, mongrel, matted dog bring so much happiness to my life and leave such a whole in my heart. I smile because he did, I cry because, well,...just because.

He Cares for me.....

I felt the desire to write this bright, brisk beautiful winter morning. It has been months since that feeling has prompted me to sit a spell and give way to some thoughts. September, the last blog, seems a long past memory, yet upon reading through my musings then, it dawns on me that things really don't change that much with the seasons. By that I mean, I've found something fascinating and wonderful about each one. Winter is upon us in full force, perhaps one of the harshest I can remember with it's bone chilling degree's. Just as with life itself, we prepare for each season differently and this particular winter was no exception. Bundling up to fight against the cold and brutality, we don our parka's, pull on our weatherproof boots and mittens, fasten the straps to our ridiculous looking caps and head out to face the elements. If prepared, we can face anything. I choose to be prepared. While my winter season is not yet upon me, I, along with my Lord and Savior will face it with determined enthusiasm! Oh boy! I didn't mean to get all philosophical! In fact, I'm enjoying this 'fall' season just fine and plan to do so for many years to come! Gotta say though, it's challenging, and can be somewhat tiring. Battling the bulge, disguising the gray hairs, tackling the bad knee with replacement, covering the age spots, confusing the person in the mirror with my mom, and the list goes on! For the serious minded, this can be devastating...for the not so serious minded, it has a comical side too it,...one must keep from fixating on these apparent appearances of the aging process or go totally beserk! Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry! No matter what lies ahead (and my hope is in heaven!) I know one thing for certain: Isaiah 46:4 "I will be your God through all your lifetime, yes, even when your hair is white with age. I made you and I will care for you. I will carry you along and be your Savior." I'm not old, I'm just a little worn around the edges! I still believe in love, I believe I can do all things through Christ, I believe I still have the capability to bless others, I believe there is blue sky above, even when my days are cloudy, I believe I still have purpose, I believe I am the apple of His eye and what could be more marvelous than that! "White hair is a crown of glory and is seen most among the godly"...Proverbs 16:31.....perhaps I shall forego the coloring this month!

Blessings...

Today is one of those Fall days that you want to wrap around your body and save for a cold winter's night when you feel as if you will never be warm again. The sky is blue, the breeze is just enough to cool my warm cheeks while I try to find a comfortable position on a deck chair. My eyes begin to close, my heartbeat relaxes, my mind begins to take a journey down some long forgotten paths. My college granddaughter just left...a brief hello, I love you visit, but a visit that tugged at my heart. What a blessing. And speaking of blessings.... There is no sound out here, even though my deck faces a wildlife preserve. No bird singing, no rustling of drying weeds, not even a plane going overhead...just pure silence. A time to listen to the whispers of God. A time to remember and embrace the blessings that He has so generously given, even when I was blindly unaware of them. That happens so often in life,..I moan and complain when things don't go my way, when I feel He is withholding something I think is so very, very important, yet my prayers seemingly go unanswered. How foolish of me! I drift back to some clouded memories, times when I questioned but somehow He took those problems and molded them into blessings that changed my life for good and not for the bad that could have come out of a selfish desire. My faith was so shallow then, yet He took my hand, walked with me even through some strong willed actions, loved and protected me while letting me choose some paths that He knew were not of His choosing. The beauty of free will, the blessing of God's protection as we grow in Him. Count your blessings, name them one by one, count your blessings see what God has done! How many times have I sung that old hymn and never really absorbed the words! Yes, life's 'billows' have tossed me some heavy burdens. Some days the shadows were so deep, the sorrow so heavy, yet He lifted me up, He made me to stand and amid those conflicts He brought about blessings. Blessings of love, family, friendship, hope, strength, and victory over discouragement. Yes, sometimes our fleshly desires must be denied by the One who loves us so much, that even though His blessings may be veiled to my eyes I know nonetheless, He blesses at just the right moment. I'm glad I took the time to rest in His arms on this warm, beautiful fall day. If I just take the time to be still and listen, He will whisper blessings, and He has.

PATHS.....

I took a walk this morning. Nothing earth shattering about that I guess, except this one took me on a different path, which got me to thinking about my life during this season of time. Fall is in the air. I love fall. It surprises me, it excites me, it hints of expectation. It begins to sneak in its colors as if not to offend the beauty of summer. Soon it will be unable to hold back and it will explode with breathtaking colors, shouting proudly, before softly drifting to the ground in lackluster tans, giving in to its former beauty and embracing the boldness of the season it just had but must now give way to winter. Does that not apply to me as well? I'm not sad,..I've had a wonderful 'fall' season. I held on to my youthfulness as strongly as those leaves clung to the branches, but now hopefully, gracefully giving way to another season. Those dried up leaves still have a purpose....they don't just curl up and die, they nurture the earth, they settle in and give hope for the newness of life as their dry pieces cuddle down beneath the soft earth enriching the soil for the new seedlings of spring. I pray my life has brought that kind of enrichment to others. I've walked many different paths in my life....childhood, young adult, wife, mother, friend, confidant, believer. All had called me in different directions, not unlike the forks in the paths I walk on each morning. I made some good choices, some not so good, some difficult ones and some I just choose to forget, but with each choice I grew. I grew because of the nurturing I received from others, their wisdom and love teaching me lessons they had themselves accumulated from their forebears and their experiences. They nurtured me, I hope I have nurtured even a few. I pray my life has a bit more ahead of it, but for now I am content to know that each path has a purpose, each season has reason and, as a believer, if I embrace His Word, if I walk in His ways...and if I acknowledge Him, He will and has directed my paths. Proverbs 3:6

I Wonder Why....

I'm a widow. I loved my husband and grieved what seemed like forever at my loss, but I was not the only one with a broken heart. Watching the pain in the eyes of my children and grandchildren, stirred such sorrow deep within, that at times I felt I could no longer go on. Why was I the one left behind when it was he who brought such love and joy to their lives? How could I ever live up to the myriads of memories that swept over them when we would speak his name, talk about something he did or viewed photos from the past? The sighs, the tears, the "I wishes" that were spoken as they placed him on the pedestal that he so deserved. Do memories make hero's? Like any other father, Dennis made his mistakes, ...both through actions and omissions, but because of his tremendous love, they were all but forgotten, as well they should be. Again I wonder...why was I the one left behind?
A mother and grandmother have their places in the hearts of their children and grandchildren, but a father and grandpa not only fill their hearts, but they are overflowing with so much more than what can be spoken or shown. Oh yes, I was available to just 'be' there when needed, the usual babysitting, diaper changing, mending, lending an ear or giving advice when needed, (not always received!), but when a dad or grandpa does or speaks, well, that becomes a whole different connotation. He was a quiet man, but when he spoke people listened and that meant his children and grands also. It was a gift that even he didn't realize he had. They say opposites attract? Oh yes! You need only look at our lives and see that! We each had a special place in our kids and grands hearts, but the love of a grandpa who was a mentor, fixer, advisor, and a giver of joy far outweighed anything I could give. And that was perfectly ok by me! To sit back and watch how he affected their lives gave me such pride. Yes, I still ponder in my heart why him instead of me.
Why all of a sudden must I write about such things? I think with the graduation of our first granddaughter, the emotions came back to the surface. Dennis' heart and soul came to surface when she was born and with each new grandchild it only became more apparent. I sat in that auditorium and when Pomp and Circumstance began to play as the class filed in, my heart cried with the absence of him who loved her so fully and would have been so overwhelmed and proud. I cried for Hannah's loss, but also with happiness that she had him for some of the most wonderful years of her life.
Oh yes, I wish he were still here filling in those precious years for his children and grands, but he isn't. I pray they remember him forever with love and gratitude. I know they will, as I witness the wonderful loving words they write of him on Father's Day and other moments when the heart overflows with memories. I only hope I can add some joy and love to their lives even if it cannot be as it were with him. Sometimes I just want to apologize for not being the first to leave, and yes, I do wonder why......

I'm Home

The stillness of the morning brought a sense of peace. The pond was a reflection pool with various shades of green from the nearby trees and bushes that surrounded it and made it a safe haven for the multitude of wildlife that casually tip toed to it's edge for a quick drink. I sat in the silence allowing it to gently wrap it's touch around me. I'm home. Perhaps not the last place I will reside, as the years and the Lord only hold that secret, but for now I feel settled, secure and grateful. It was a long, emotional journey from beginning to now, but as I've repeated 100's of times, well worth the wait. What has it taught me? That I wasted my energy worrying, ranting, loosing sleep and all that goes with distrust, instead of stepping back and letting my Lord handle the burden. Oh, He prodded me several times and brought me back to His presence, but I would slip back into human nature and find myself in turmoil once again until His Holy Spirit would whisper..."leave it to me." Finally, I rested in Him and began to repeat, 'it is what it is, and the Lord who created the universe can surely handle this tiny piece of humanity without my intervention!' Sweet release! We create our own confusion, but I guess we need to go through it to see the futility of our anxiousness. Let go and let God, is more than a nice saying, ...it should resonate through our lives, truly giving Him all the glory. I rested my head on the back of the patio chair, staring into an infinite sky, so blue beyond description that it's vastness nearly overwhelms. Here am I, a tiny speck in the scheme of things, yet knowing that He loves and cares for me as if I'm the only one. How does one say thank you to that? How does one even comprehend that? Yet I know it to be true, and my heart sings along with the chorus of birds that have begun their morning concert. His eye is on the sparrow...and I KNOW He watches me! Thus begins another chapter in my life. I pray God's richest blessings on my home, on the family and friends who enter in and on all that He allows to be placed before me on this perhaps the last home I will have. I will cherish His gift, His care, protection and love. I've entered this portion of life alone, but not really...His presence allows me to walk in confidence knowing He IS in control and He WIll provide all my needs according to His riches in glory....yes, I'm home, and all glory goes to my Lord and Savior.

I'm Home

The Right Timing...

It's a gray, rainy morning and the clock reads 10:05. I'm still in my nightshirt. I'm in no hurry to proceed with the day. Sitting with my steaming, vanilla flavored cup of coffee and my thoughts, I find no urgency to move. I have lots to ponder this glorious, dreary, misty day. Has it finally, for real, honestly happened this time? The message light was blinking when I came home last night and the message caused my heart to skip a beat, my legs to weaken and my soul to cry out with thanks to God. My home has sold,...it will soon belong to someone else. I owe it to myself to sit and soak this information in, to give thanks to my Heavenly Father who knows precisely the right timing for everything and who has taught me once again to rest in His way and not my own. Oh yes, I wrestled with impatience, fear of the unknown, inadequacy in handling a home sale alone,..just starting a new phase in my life caused anxieties, but He provided everything I needed to go through this smoothly and quickly. The young couple loved my house but had several doubts which brought about doubled inspections, multiple visits and requests for additional things to be left behind. This I gladly agreed too, for you see, it is time for me to move on, to establish a new life..or as we widow's call it, 'a new normal.' Fourteen years ago, my husband and I stepped into this house and began to make it a home. As empty nester's, it was a good fit with it's unique layout, huge backyard, areas for parking boats, campers etc., but we didn't stop there! Many, many upgrades were made, which made life easier with the arrival of several new grandchildren throughout the years, and the need to have space for them to be kids! That's what we were all about in those days...the grands! My first grandchild was Hannah...she recently turned 18 and while I was searching for photo's of her and grandpa to post on FB, I, of course, ended up sitting for hours going through hundreds and hundreds of pictures. This took me on a journey through the past 14 years and beyond...a journey that brought laughter, joy and tears. I settled in surrounded by memories, recalling each with unexpected emotions,..allowing myself to drift back in time to special moments, birthdays, backyard fun, holidays, just being together times....enjoying life. These things I leave behind, but the memories go with me. This home has served me well, and with it the bittersweet thought that my husband passed away during these years and will not be embarking on this new journey with me. I know he is proud of me for setting my course in a new direction, for I feel his approval and I know he is smiling that beautiful smile in heaven while awaiting that great reunion! I love you Dennis, and my heart is full of gratefulness for a life filled with love and so many good things while journeying our life together. Your absence has caused a mighty emptiness within me. So begins the packing. Not just 'things', but memories. I will sort, examine what needs to go, what needs to be thrown or given away and all the while feeling a tad bit of guilt for having to make those decisions. But 'things' aren't what make me, memories are, and I will always hold them close, remember with a smile and forever carry the love in my heart. Yes, this indeed was our home,...a home made for my husband and I, for my kids to come and feel welcomed and a place for my grands to remember their very young years, hopefully filled with happiness and good times. You, my home, have served me well, but I must move on....it's just 'the right timing.'

It's Really Funny..(If it didn't hurt so much!)

And so the other day the doctor said, "hang in there for six months and the pain and limping should be gone!" Okey, dokey then,...only three months to go! I have to find the humor in this somewhere, otherwise the nasties set in and those pests are way to hard to get rid of!

The knee pain began mid-summer. Come on Claudia, you can handle a bit of knee pain you sissy! (mind speaking to body part!) Not being one to give in to a little discomfort, I heartily agreed, and proceeded to try and ignore said pain. It was a little embarassing at times, like walking down the grocery aisle, or shopping for unneeded items at the local TJMaxx, when suddenly it would fold and I'd madly grab for the nearest solid item, therefore alleviating a meeting with the floor! I met many grumpy people that way...obviously not appreciating my strangle hold on their arms!
Biking was out! Too hot pedaling anyhow! Dropped out of tennis...no one wants a partner who's dragging a limb behind her, although I gave it a valiant effort! Now golf was another story...except when teeing off! If exercising the proper swing, I would end up on that knee and promptly find myself doubling over, but in the direction of the next hole, which wasn't so bad was it? Hobbling to the next green, holding up the foursome, I eventually gave in to peer pressure and gave up!

Ok, there go my summer sports activities, BUT, I still had my yard and garden to attend too and leaning on my newly acquired cane I figured this would be a piece of cake! Forget about the puzzled looks from uncaring neighbors...I could lean on that piece of carved wood and pull those weeds like no body's business...except of course when it was wet and hanging on to that thing meant nothing as it went zipping out from under me! I spent lots of time pretending to examine up close and personal, the flowers and the condition of the grass! Oh well, weeds have a place too, so I let them be!

Well now, I could still enjoy my grands sporting events, sans the jumping up and cheering part! Baseball went fine...then came football season. Love that game! Tough to just sit and not frantically jump up urging your grand to ruuuuuuuuuuuun! Yup, you guessed it! One such jump resulted in a pain that took my breath away! Said torn meniscus had now become completely ripped apart! Daughter Cami, (nurse), became a bit concerned when I tried to speak, breathe and move without success. "Should I call an ambulance, should I drive you home....what should I do?" Stubborness prevailed...she helped me get into my little red Escape and off I went towards home, thankful my driving leg was fine. The MRI that followed revealed known problem....and surgery was scheduled.

Following surgery, which by the way, was uneventful, easy, and I was able to successfully hobble out the surgery door with no assistance whatsoever, these words echoing in my ears..."you'll be riding that bike of yours in a few days with no problem!" Ok, here it is three months later, I have a 4 yr. old grandson that can now imitate my limp to a T, and is darn proud of it, and still no relief in sight! What gives? Well, that was answered this week with a followup MRI showing nothing more than a 'bone bleed'. BONE BLEED, I asked with elevated tone, what do you mean BONE BLEED!? With much confidence, and a stupid grin on her face, she replied, "nothing to worry about, it will heal on it's own in 3 to 6 months." Easy for her to say!

Ah, yes, it has been a journey (with a limp) to say the least! That, bundled with a back tumor removal, ovarian cancer removal with complete hysterectomy, it has really been a hoot! Not complaining mind you, (well a little!), it has given me time to reflect....yes, on my life, on my Christian growth, on my wonderful friendships and family, but mostly on the constant presence of my Lord, giving me strength to overcome, peace to rest in Him and the knowledge of His complete sovereignty in all things. Hey, what's a little limp as long as He's right there holding on! Gotta love it!

I SAID.....I MEANT...LESSONS LEARNED

Life is full of valuable lessons. Some we learn along the way, others take a little while longer in retrospect. After my husband passed away and I entered that dark period of grieving, I learned how to help others go through that darkness, basically because of how others treated me in that process. Valuable lessons of do's and don'ts which I never would have learned had I not traveled that path. Some positive, some negative...but lessons regardless.
Recently I entered another period of life that have caused me to open up to even more valuable lessons. Beginning in September, 2011 a series of unexpected surgeries happened. Large basel cell surgery removal, requiring 37 stitches and the inability to bend, twist, reach, sit comfortably, rise without pain,...well you get the picture. No sooner did I recover from that, the knee which had given me untold pain from an earlier injury, a torn meniscus, ended up needing surgery. Great expectations for complete relief have not materialized and I remain in a good deal of pain. Well, God must have some lessons of His own to teach me, because I was then given a large benign uterine mass that required a complete hysterectomy which revealed a strange little secondary tumor that indicated the possibility of cancer. That little tumor took a trip to Mayo clinic for diagnosis...just a precursor to possible future cancer's...no big deal..just followup appointments to keep a handle on things! All of the above are inconveniences in life, to say the least, but can certainly be used for good. Each experience gave me time to think, to ponder on God's reasoning...to just let go and let God show me. I learned dependence on Him, I learned He never leaves me, I learned He is my strength, I learned I can trust Him above any other, I learned of His unconditional love for me, even when I questioned. On the other side, I should have learned to swallow my pride and let others do for me as they asked. I learned that I allowed them to miss the blessing of helping me, and I learned that in being prideful I only hurt myself. Oh yes, a few faithful friends from church provided some meals...how wonderful that was! I pridefully stopped them after several delivered meals, thinking I could do it myself. How silly of me! Pride and independence are hateful little things! They cause us to look to ourselves instead of allowing God to work through others!

WHAT THEY SAID: How are you?
WHAT I SAID: Fine
WHAT I MEANT: In some pain, but sure would enjoy a little company.

WHAT THEY SAID: How can I help?
WHAT I SAID: I can handle it
WHAT I MEANT: Could you come and see what needs attention, that sure
would be helpful!

WHAT THEY SAID: Can I bring a warm meal?
WHAT I SAID: I'm ok
WHAT I MEANT: Oh, that would be nice...I can fix a meal but I get so tired!

WHAT THEY SAID: I can drive you to your appointment.
WHAT I SAID: I can manage
WHAT I MEANT: Thanks! It's so uncomfortable driving right now.

WHAT THEY SAID: I know that oncologist appointment will be hard, can I come with you?
WHAT I SAID: It's no big deal, thanks anyhow.
WHAT I MEANT: I'm so frightened at what I may hear, your company would give me great comfort!

Yes, pride is ugly. I missed out on so many blessings from others! When a friend reaches out a hand, take it! Independence is a lonely path, it does not allow others to give a blessing. Yes, I have learned, perhaps a little late, but nonetheless learned, when others request permission to enter my life during times of need, I need to grant that permission! Friends and family are God's special angels, sent to walk with us in our time of need...allow God to use them! It will make the journey so much easier!

Christmas2011

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One Simple Act

I saw the dry leaves piling up in a corner of my front porch this morning.  Normally, I would just grab the ol' beatup broom from the garage and get to sweeping, but the heavy cane I was grasping in my right hand, reminded me that I was not so mobile.  Oh, heck....I can do this!  Hobbling to the door that exits to the garage, I reached out, pulled it too me and proceeded to the porch.  Hopping off the entrance stoop, I commenced to put the broom under my armpit and began some vigorous strokes!   Said broom handle slipped out of armpit and whacked me in the jaw! Not to be deterred from my mission, I lay my cane across the white wicker rocking chair and steadied myself with the broom handle, placing all my weight over to the right leg, leaving the wretched left knee dangling precariously, knowing that I could put pressure on it but really not wanting too, due to it's sudden action of buckling when I least expect it.  Mission accomplished, maybe not so fastidiously, but accomplished!

 And why pray tell, do I share this with you?  Three neighbors were in their yards, doing what I suppose are the things you do in the fall to get ready for winter, two of which never looked up, one giving me a quick wave before ducking his head back to the business at hand.  14 years of living side by side with these neighbors and not one knew that I had knee surgery.  How sad is that!?  I'm not pointing fingers, I'm just stating a sad, sad fact that during all those years, we did not develop even the slightest of relationships so that we would know when another is in need.  The quick waves as we leave our driveways, the brief exchange of pleasantries on the front lawn once or twice during the summer months leave no room for developing any kind of relationship with our neighbors.

My mind does a free fall back many, many years when we knew almost too much about our
neighbors!  We watched each others kids, we sent hot dishes over if sickness came, we shared secrets,
we helped.  Yes, helped.  How many Saturday mornings if the guys were out doing something in the yard or garage, did one or several of the neighbor guys show up and eventually help finish up a job which would otherwise have taken hours.   How often did my wonderful gal neighbors pop in to help me paint, show me how to sew something when I was stuck, sit down with a cup of tea and listen to each others problems, or just enjoy some warm summer sunshine on the front porch steps?  When did this exchange of neighborliness die out?   Oh, I know there are still those neighborhoods that make it a practice to enjoy each other's company, and that makes me smile, for it brings back that warm  feeling of remembering, being part of something, feeling safe and valued, just simply enjoying life.  But I fear those are the exception to the rule of present day neighbors. 

Yesterdays were slower paced, most mom's didn't work, we jointly watched the neighborhood. There were no computers, Ipods, IPhones,  texting, 100's of TV channels.  Most kids picked a sport or two with very little practices thrown in, no hectic racing from one thing to another, more family time and always time to see if there was one simple act we could do for our neighbor in time of need.  I guess I'd call it 'priorities.'   When we've reached the point where sports, self-interest, down right fatigue come between our committment to attending worship, or youth activities at church, well, it's time to stop the madness.  Even God rested on the seventh day!  Well, I didn't mean to get on a tangent here and include society as a whole.....but to simply remind myself how important it is to slow down, know thy neighbor and never be too busy or preoccupied with self to render 'one simple act' that may cause another some relief, heck maybe even bring a smile!  My daughters showed those simple acts in so many ways,...ways that required no words....just acts of simple love. 

This 'knee thing' brought many well wishes, cards, phone calls, inquiries if they could help with anything,....all nice, all well meaning, but you know what brought tears to my eyes?  A knock on the door, a smiling face and a bag with homemade soup and bread.  No 'pre-plans',  no 'what can I do for you', just a simple act of kindness and a genuine word...."I just wanted to share my soup with you."

The Lord is Near..

I woke up this morning wondering if I had just dreamed yesterday.  Rising from my pillow I gasped at the aching in my head, no doubt the after effects of the dye from the the CT.  Ok, God....what's going on here?  Is it lesson time again?  Or is Satan shooting his darts at me just for grins?!!  Either way, I'm crying 'uncle!'  Not really I guess, for God's lessons are always bringing me to a better place, and as far as Satan goes, well, I'll never give in to his silly games! 

Not so very long ago I was marveling at how smoothly my life seemed to be going....big mistake!  Although I thank my Lord every day for my blessings, health, and all He has provided, perhaps I became a little superficial about it...I just don't know.  Knee problems have given me untold pain the past 3 months, now resulting in upcoming surgery, large basal cell removed with 35 stitches a few weeks back,  dissolving teeth under a very expensive bridge will need to be replaced with implants costing thousands, time for a follow up appointment for my glaucoma, cataracts and macular degeneration and to boot, I woke up yesterday morning with the worst pain in my lower left abdomen!  A day spent under IV pain meds, Cat Scan and waiting for the results.  Five hours into it, they came and when the  doctor pulled up her chair to 'go over' some things, I knew I was in trouble!  My eyes shot over to daughter Denise, as if she could take some of the fear away from me....her eyes were as full of fear as mine.

Large mass on the right side of uterus with enlarged uterus and untold 'little things' going on in there!  Little cysts on the kidneys, possible fibroids behind the uterus pushing it forward (no wonder I have a protruding belly!...good excuse anyhow!)  She was very emphatic about scheduling with an OB first thing next week, followed by an oncologist.  Ok, Lord....I'm listening!  I'm reaching out my hand and trusting You will take it and guide me through this process, whatever it turns out to be. 

Life isn't always easy is it?  We take it as it comes, sometimes for granted, sometimes questioning, other times praising Him for undeserved mercy and grace,....that's just the way life is.  We walk those hills and valleys, we suffer great losses and our sorrow seems endless, we may even feel as if we're loosing our way in times of distress, the test seemingly more than we can endure.  He knows,...He's waiting,...He never lets go, for great is His love and His faithfulness is forever with us.

Today I have no idea what the future will bring, but I know who holds the future.  I'm fearful right now because aren't we always afraid of the unknown?  The Psalms have given me comfort today....Blessed is he whose help is God,...whose hope is in the Lord.....The Lord is near to all who call upon Him...He hears their cries.   Ps. 146:2 rings true to me as I face an unknown path.."I will praise the Lord all my life, I will sing praise to my God as long as I live."