IF LIFE…
If life was perfect I would still have my husband, but I don’t.
If life was perfect I wouldn’t worry about my future, but I do.
If life was perfect I wouldn’t have to ask for help but I must.
If life was perfect all my children and grandchildren would live close by, but they don’t.
If life was perfect I wouldn’t have to think about finances ever again, but I have too.
If life was perfect nothing would break down, or wear out, but they do.
If life was perfect friends would not move away or fade away but they do.
If life was perfect sickness would not affect my world, but it will.
If life was perfect I would remain strong enough to maintain my home, but I won’t.
If life was perfect I would find love again but it’s doubtful.
If life was perfect I wouldn’t grow old but I will.
If life was perfect I wouldn’t die alone, but perhaps I will.
If life was perfect all things would be perfect but heaven must wait.
If I keep my eyes on the Lord and believe His promises to me in complete trust and obedience than all of these anxieties and frustrations are for naught, so I will.
If I continue to say “I cannot” it is saying You are not sustaining and protecting me, so I won’t.
If I abnormally examine my inner self or look at the future with dread then I am not ‘kept by the power of God’, so I will not.
If I give up because I have been through trials and disappointments and discount God’s mercy, I am not trusting Him, so I shall not.
If I don’t ‘cast my burden upon the Lord’ I am not committing it to Him so I will.
If I hang on to my own weakness and not let go and let God I am diminishing His dominion over me, so I won’t.
If I do not see God at work in all my circumstances than I am not believing in His sovereignty, so I will.
If I believe that faithfulness to Jesus is stepping out of my own understanding even when I can’t see the outcome, than I am deliberately committing my life to Him, and I have.
“In all these things we are more than conquerors, through Him who loved us” Romans 8:37
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Saturday, May 1, 2010
NOT JUST A FRIEND
Her email came this morning. I didn't like what I read. Her positive attitude, and nonchalant approach to a situation that could very well threaten her life caused me to slam the lid of my computer down and walk away, frustrated with the unfairness of it all. Cancer...I hate that word..it even sounds ugly...cancer. The surgery she just went through gave me hope that all was taken care of, that she was free and clear and returning to her life that not only was a blessing to her but to me, in fact I'm sure to all whose lives she touches. She's that kind of person you know, one who makes me happy just to be counted as her friend. "Don't feel bad for me, don't be sad" she says. Her faith and trust in the Lord's provision brings a flush of anguish to my face as I struggle with this feeling of disproportionate news.
I do have to smile a bit though, as she makes light of hair loss, wigs, loosing weight, foam molds, tatoo's...leave it to her to find the laughter in a very sober situation! Ok then, if she can do it, I can do it gosh darn it!
I first met Linda at church. Actually I noticed her before we even met. She was the kind of woman I admired from a distance, beings I was fairly new at being a born-again Christian. Her involvement in church activities, the way others gravitated to her warmth, her evident love of her husband and children, her love of the Lord. Yes, Linda was who I wanted to be like. One Sunday I was told that Linda's mom had passed away and I felt the strongest urge to go to her, to hug her, to give her some form of encouragement even though I myself had never lost someone and didn't have a clue what to say so I only said, "I'm so sorry for you loss." And now I know that is one of the most important things anyone can say to a grieving person, since I have experienced that deep heaviness in the loss of my husband. Thus began a forever friendship.
God is so loving, so merciful, so all knowing. At exactly the right time in this progression of life, He gave me Linda as a precious friend. Along with our beloved husbands, we shared countless valuable moments that still bring a feeling of abundant pleasure when remembered. To others the list of things we did may seem mundane and silly, but to me they represent love. They shared our life...the fun times, the marital problems, anxious moments at the hospital, children's issues, co-ed baseball, tennis, cards, vacations, but more than that we shared our hearts.
Having said all that I shall say this.."You my friend are an inspiration. I cherish our memories, our friendship and yes our future!" You WILL beat this my determined little soulmate! We will lift our eyes to our Lord, with joined hands and hearts and trust in His unfailing goodness. His love never fails...after all, He gave me you.
I do have to smile a bit though, as she makes light of hair loss, wigs, loosing weight, foam molds, tatoo's...leave it to her to find the laughter in a very sober situation! Ok then, if she can do it, I can do it gosh darn it!
I first met Linda at church. Actually I noticed her before we even met. She was the kind of woman I admired from a distance, beings I was fairly new at being a born-again Christian. Her involvement in church activities, the way others gravitated to her warmth, her evident love of her husband and children, her love of the Lord. Yes, Linda was who I wanted to be like. One Sunday I was told that Linda's mom had passed away and I felt the strongest urge to go to her, to hug her, to give her some form of encouragement even though I myself had never lost someone and didn't have a clue what to say so I only said, "I'm so sorry for you loss." And now I know that is one of the most important things anyone can say to a grieving person, since I have experienced that deep heaviness in the loss of my husband. Thus began a forever friendship.
God is so loving, so merciful, so all knowing. At exactly the right time in this progression of life, He gave me Linda as a precious friend. Along with our beloved husbands, we shared countless valuable moments that still bring a feeling of abundant pleasure when remembered. To others the list of things we did may seem mundane and silly, but to me they represent love. They shared our life...the fun times, the marital problems, anxious moments at the hospital, children's issues, co-ed baseball, tennis, cards, vacations, but more than that we shared our hearts.
Having said all that I shall say this.."You my friend are an inspiration. I cherish our memories, our friendship and yes our future!" You WILL beat this my determined little soulmate! We will lift our eyes to our Lord, with joined hands and hearts and trust in His unfailing goodness. His love never fails...after all, He gave me you.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Getting Beyond
Writing helps me clear my mind. I think...maybe it does....or not, we'll see.
One month from now it will be three years since Dennis died. There...I had to see that in writing..it seems so unreal, so just yesterday yet so long ago. I can't believe I've come this far, that I've actually navigated three long years by myself. The years included decisions, situations, circumstances, issues, massive amounts of loneliness, all that was dealt on my own. No, let me clarify that statement....God and I dealt with it. The biggest hurdle of my life, to live beyond the death of my spouse, was to realize that I am never truly alone. I Peter 12:12 (The Message version) said it best, "Friends, when life gets really difficult, don't jump to the conclusion that God isn't on the job.!" I'm here to testify that indeed He WAS on the job! And IS on the job! I know now that life will never be free from heartache, grief or suffering, but I do know that God is right there in the midst of it all ready to prop me up on my 'leaning side!'
Just yesterday, I let go of a dream,...I realized I was focusing on something that was not going to happen. I don't like endings, of any nature, but to truly start over I must let something end,...I think so anyhow! How's that for finality? But really, life goes on, endings are ongoing and it seems like as soon as one hurdle is over another is on the way! But that's not a negative thing...no, to me it simply means closing a phase of my life, albeit rather sadly, so I can move on to opening another phase. I feel as if I'm poised between the past and the future. Yesterday is gone but there is a promise of tomorrow. I would have preferred a different path, but the new path brims with promises and possibilities. I will not run from the past, nor dwell on perceived mistakes or guilt, but remember the best and build on the failures, which will prove to give me newness of heart to face the future.
Hey, it's not up to others to make me happy, that's not fair! No, true happiness comes from within, when I'm satisfied with myself and the life I'm living..(I read that somewhere and it's so true!) well, then I will discover lasting peace and contentment. I'm going to choose to be happy because life will never be without it's difficulties....focusing on all that's good....my family, friends, health, oh the list goes on. I just praise God for each new day and I'll try to be open to it's possibilities and new paths. I will not postpone satisfaction nor live my life with regrets....For "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Yes, it is possible to find happiness right where I am! A door was closed but a window is wide open!
One month from now it will be three years since Dennis died. There...I had to see that in writing..it seems so unreal, so just yesterday yet so long ago. I can't believe I've come this far, that I've actually navigated three long years by myself. The years included decisions, situations, circumstances, issues, massive amounts of loneliness, all that was dealt on my own. No, let me clarify that statement....God and I dealt with it. The biggest hurdle of my life, to live beyond the death of my spouse, was to realize that I am never truly alone. I Peter 12:12 (The Message version) said it best, "Friends, when life gets really difficult, don't jump to the conclusion that God isn't on the job.!" I'm here to testify that indeed He WAS on the job! And IS on the job! I know now that life will never be free from heartache, grief or suffering, but I do know that God is right there in the midst of it all ready to prop me up on my 'leaning side!'
Just yesterday, I let go of a dream,...I realized I was focusing on something that was not going to happen. I don't like endings, of any nature, but to truly start over I must let something end,...I think so anyhow! How's that for finality? But really, life goes on, endings are ongoing and it seems like as soon as one hurdle is over another is on the way! But that's not a negative thing...no, to me it simply means closing a phase of my life, albeit rather sadly, so I can move on to opening another phase. I feel as if I'm poised between the past and the future. Yesterday is gone but there is a promise of tomorrow. I would have preferred a different path, but the new path brims with promises and possibilities. I will not run from the past, nor dwell on perceived mistakes or guilt, but remember the best and build on the failures, which will prove to give me newness of heart to face the future.
Hey, it's not up to others to make me happy, that's not fair! No, true happiness comes from within, when I'm satisfied with myself and the life I'm living..(I read that somewhere and it's so true!) well, then I will discover lasting peace and contentment. I'm going to choose to be happy because life will never be without it's difficulties....focusing on all that's good....my family, friends, health, oh the list goes on. I just praise God for each new day and I'll try to be open to it's possibilities and new paths. I will not postpone satisfaction nor live my life with regrets....For "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Yes, it is possible to find happiness right where I am! A door was closed but a window is wide open!
Friday, February 19, 2010
Generation Out...
Suddenly I feel like I'm skidding downhill towards old age with uncontrollable speed, and digging my heels in doesn't help a bit! Screw the old adages that we're only as old as we feel or act or whatever other crap they throw at us. If you're in your mid sixties and seventy is beckoning you with a scrawny, wrinkled finger, you begin to panic! The empty hair dye bottle at the bottom of the garbage can sneers up at me, knowing that the temporary cover-up is just that....a cover-up! Who am I kidding? The hair looks young, but the face screams 'lady, you're pathetic!' Holy flipping cow! When did I develop wrinkles like a dried up creek bed! Creases the size of the Grand Canyon, age spots effecting the reception on my television, and bags under the eyes big enough to carry last weeks groceries! Don't get me started on the scaly barnacles erupting on my back, oh ya, real attractive. I'm sure if I were to meet that special someone, the minute he laid eyes on those, he'd scream like a woman and run for his life! Did I mention my saggy butt? And speaking of saggy....the boobs made a valiant effort about three years ago to keep the 'perk up', but gave up the fight shortly thereafter! I imagine they are thinking, what's the point..perky or not, these stretch marks serve only as tiny water drains during a shower. Loosing hair in strategic places only to be replaced on the chin, requiring constant vigilance with a mirror and tweezers!
Well, you get the picture....yup, aging is definitely not for sissies! I even scare myself when the mirror projects back an image of someone I don't recognize. Who could that person be? How come my mind keeps telling me I'm still young while my body denies it? How fair is that? Seriously....I don't want to slide into old age alone, but who in their right mind would want to take on a sight such as this? I sure wouldn't blame him....after all, in his eyes, he's still the stud muffin he always was...what happened to me?
Well, you get the picture....yup, aging is definitely not for sissies! I even scare myself when the mirror projects back an image of someone I don't recognize. Who could that person be? How come my mind keeps telling me I'm still young while my body denies it? How fair is that? Seriously....I don't want to slide into old age alone, but who in their right mind would want to take on a sight such as this? I sure wouldn't blame him....after all, in his eyes, he's still the stud muffin he always was...what happened to me?
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Renewing My Present..
Two weeks into the New Year! Fourteen precious days of 2010 are gone, never to be regained. A few minutes ago I jotted a reminder note on my calendar and was startled to see how many 'jots' were made on the previous two weeks! Sometimes I get this feeling of desperation...like my purpose here is too vague, like I should be doing something monumental with my life. I'm staring at that calendar right now, reliving the past couple of weeks. I can actually see a pattern, a purpose, a meaning. Hey! I DO have a life and it's a pretty darn good one too! Granted,
not every day is filled with purposeful, meaningful, life changing events, but each one holds a significant purpose. It's my life. When did I start living it again after the death of my husband? When did life begin to feel normal. When did I settle into the daily functions and decisions without lamenting the fact that Dennis wasn't here to do that for me? Wasn't it just yesterday I could not see beyond each hour and was certain that time would move as slowly as a heavy fog on a winter morn.
When did I stop saying 'why me Lord, don't you like me any more?' A verse from Isaiah43 comes to mind..."Forget the former things;do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!" Yes, the anguish, questioning and misgivings have been replaced with belief, confidence and certainty. God is good!
Now what do I do with the present? What decisions do I 'purpose' to make?
I wasn't going to make a New Year's resolution list, but I feel I need to make a 'renewal' declaration. A quote by Brooks Atkinson says: Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go! Therefore I purpose to:
Live neither in the past nor the future
Stop putting life on hold
Not depend on others for my happiness
Let go of unproductive thoughts
Give life a chance
Love with all my heart
Forgive and let go of bitterness
Embrace hope
Be thankful in all things
Make a difference in peoples lives
Trust God for all my needs according to His riches in glory
Well, you get the picture...to renew my present requires not clinging to the past. What might happen tomorrow? I don't know, but I have a God who knows, and that's all I need to know.
not every day is filled with purposeful, meaningful, life changing events, but each one holds a significant purpose. It's my life. When did I start living it again after the death of my husband? When did life begin to feel normal. When did I settle into the daily functions and decisions without lamenting the fact that Dennis wasn't here to do that for me? Wasn't it just yesterday I could not see beyond each hour and was certain that time would move as slowly as a heavy fog on a winter morn.
When did I stop saying 'why me Lord, don't you like me any more?' A verse from Isaiah43 comes to mind..."Forget the former things;do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!" Yes, the anguish, questioning and misgivings have been replaced with belief, confidence and certainty. God is good!
Now what do I do with the present? What decisions do I 'purpose' to make?
I wasn't going to make a New Year's resolution list, but I feel I need to make a 'renewal' declaration. A quote by Brooks Atkinson says: Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go! Therefore I purpose to:
Live neither in the past nor the future
Stop putting life on hold
Not depend on others for my happiness
Let go of unproductive thoughts
Give life a chance
Love with all my heart
Forgive and let go of bitterness
Embrace hope
Be thankful in all things
Make a difference in peoples lives
Trust God for all my needs according to His riches in glory
Well, you get the picture...to renew my present requires not clinging to the past. What might happen tomorrow? I don't know, but I have a God who knows, and that's all I need to know.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Stepping Up
It's -10 degree's outside and here I sit eating a big bowl of Peppermint ice cream...why? Because I can. If I still had children at home I would definitely discourage this with the oh so sensible logic of a mother, but I don't, so I will do as I please! I actually bought this ice cream in hopes the grands would devour it over Christmas...but nope..no takers and thus it is left up to me to make sure it doesn't go to waste! I'm up to the task!
There would have been one point in my life when I would have hated to be referred to as 'you're becoming your mother', but now I could give a damn! I AM a mother, I AM a grandmother and I DO have some traits from my mom...and I'm proud of that. I know for a fact that she also reached a point in life where ice cream in the middle of the coldest spell of winter would have enticed her. Why am I on this ice cream theme...this tangent of doing what I want? It's not just the ice cream..it's so many things. The New Year has driven me to a contemplative mood, to the realization that if I can't be and do what I want, right now, at this ridiculously upper-middle part of age, then when pray tell shall I? It's rather freeing, you know, to lay down the shackles of 'shoulds' or 'shouldn't' do's.
Can I actually turn away from the clucks and 'oh mom's' that I would or will hear from my kids, if I decide to do something out of the common structure of being just a mom? Or will I cower and feel diminished by their disapproval? I think not..I think I've become a me, not just a mom or grandmother, but me! I've always wanted their admiration, perhaps even longed to be given the opportunity to be a wise counsel to them when they desired it. I still stand ready if asked, but my main objective now is to listen..just listen. They need to experience their own mistakes, handle their own problems, reach their own solutions, but with the comforting thought that their mom is just a phone call away, with a knowing heart and a experienced shoulder that welcomes a wearied head.
This age thing can get you down. After all I'm 'it' now, I'm the oldest survivor. The grandparents to my children are gone, my husband is gone...hey I'm 'it!' I'm really not ready to be relegated to old age, to just be someone to put up with, to have my kids feel obligated too or to be looked at as if most of my life is over and I'm on the downhill slide. No, by golly, I still have life to live, love to be found, fun to be had, friends to be made, adventures to experience....so don't write me off just yet! Perhaps I shall have another bowl of ice cream!!
There would have been one point in my life when I would have hated to be referred to as 'you're becoming your mother', but now I could give a damn! I AM a mother, I AM a grandmother and I DO have some traits from my mom...and I'm proud of that. I know for a fact that she also reached a point in life where ice cream in the middle of the coldest spell of winter would have enticed her. Why am I on this ice cream theme...this tangent of doing what I want? It's not just the ice cream..it's so many things. The New Year has driven me to a contemplative mood, to the realization that if I can't be and do what I want, right now, at this ridiculously upper-middle part of age, then when pray tell shall I? It's rather freeing, you know, to lay down the shackles of 'shoulds' or 'shouldn't' do's.
Can I actually turn away from the clucks and 'oh mom's' that I would or will hear from my kids, if I decide to do something out of the common structure of being just a mom? Or will I cower and feel diminished by their disapproval? I think not..I think I've become a me, not just a mom or grandmother, but me! I've always wanted their admiration, perhaps even longed to be given the opportunity to be a wise counsel to them when they desired it. I still stand ready if asked, but my main objective now is to listen..just listen. They need to experience their own mistakes, handle their own problems, reach their own solutions, but with the comforting thought that their mom is just a phone call away, with a knowing heart and a experienced shoulder that welcomes a wearied head.
This age thing can get you down. After all I'm 'it' now, I'm the oldest survivor. The grandparents to my children are gone, my husband is gone...hey I'm 'it!' I'm really not ready to be relegated to old age, to just be someone to put up with, to have my kids feel obligated too or to be looked at as if most of my life is over and I'm on the downhill slide. No, by golly, I still have life to live, love to be found, fun to be had, friends to be made, adventures to experience....so don't write me off just yet! Perhaps I shall have another bowl of ice cream!!
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