And Then it's Over..

This time I believed we could be. In retrospect I should have known it wasn't too be.
Too many ups and downs, to one-sided, to much distance, and one who did not have the ability to move on to a new life following his wife's death. Holding on to guilt, supposed shame and memories as if they were actually part of life today, equals the inability to go forward.

But I need to claim fault for this parting, at least for the most part. I pushed and pushed and even tried to disentangle myself from him after it was evident that he had no real feelings for me. He just wasn't ready...and even when he did profess love for me, I should have listened to my inner feelings and just let it be. But I didn't. My heart wanted to believe we could make a life together....I, however, was wrong and I forced myself on someone who was not emotionally able to reciprocate.
That leaves me with a desire to search for why he is stuck with his demons and could not lay the past aside and move into a promising future. Bear with me as I share my thoughts.

I learned early in my grief process, that at some point I would need to say good-bye...I mean really say good-bye. That came approximately a year and a half after Dennis died. I wrote a letter to him and really, really hated reading what was written, but it had to be done. In essence it said that I could no longer involve him in my life, I could no longer solicit his input or wonder what he would think of this or that, but I needed to let go of the relationship.....good-bye needed to be good-bye, or I would be stuck in a grief cycle that would never end. There were many feelings of past guilt, of things left unsaid or done, but they had to be left behind.

I'm assuming he hadn't done this, that he hadn't dealt with his perceived guilt and things left undone...that he just couldn't move on due to that. My question is...if he is clinging to a perception of guilt, is it just clinging to a memory? As if it were right now, instead of in the past? Yes, I believe I have read somewhere that all our problems in life come from our memories. That we carry with us accumulated burdens, disappointments, fears and falsehoods...in other words memories. Shouldn't we be much more than our memories? Shouldn't we let go of memories and grieve those memories that trouble us so very much, but then move on. Shouldn't we appreciate life as it is and not as we wish it were? I believe that then we can find the peace we seek. I believe that the moment I let go of wanting to continue my old life when I knew it was impossible to dwell there, I found my peace.

Therefore, perhaps I had journeyed farther and faster than he. I rushed him....his steps were small, I outran his expectations and closed the door to what could have been. So, being true to my reality, I won't let my life be my memories...I will move on and perhaps at this time, being completely drained, I will finally have ears for what God wants to say to me...that I can finally realize that I am loved by Him, and that "I" can be enough.